Thursday, April 28, 2005

A Whale With a Y for a Tail

Walk like an egyptian - have you heard about the wholphin?

Martian Advice For Eggs

Okay so it takes like seven minutes to boil an egg. But what happens if I leave it in there, boiling, for ten minutes? Fifteen? Three hours?I assume I get more eggs somehow.
-Hungry in Harrisburg

Gentle HH,

First have all, have we confronted this problem? Good

The answer to your question is yes, but it's not simple. What would happen if you just let it boil and boil?
  1. In all likelihood, the egg would explode. Is this "more" eggs? It might look like more eggs, but it's probably just "more" boiling hot eggs splattered on your face than you would perfer under normal circumstances.
  2. Regardless, you go to the hospital for second degree burns (not the first time your maxillofacial region has experienced this) and you are treated by a doctor on the verge of insanity. He mistakes the exploded egg for nuclear waste and panics.
  3. The CDC, NIH, and NRA are notified.
  4. We go into orange alert. Then red alert. People are totally wigging out.
  5. GWB decides that good foreign policy to calm the people would be to create an enemy - an enemy well known but easier to locate. That's right - Pope Benedict XVI. He is blamed for the Catholic values that allow nuclear waste to propigate.
  6. The Vatican is nuked. With no one to tell them up from down, Catholics worldwide start making decisions for themselves. These decisions involve having lots of sex.
  7. Women start ovulating everywhere... ergo more eggs.
Seven minutes to a boiled egg - seven steps to more eggs. Coincidence? You tell me.

I hope this answers your questions.

Mars is available to advise you on your hopes, dreams, fears, niggling self doubt and culinary inquiries. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo.com

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Pop Quiz!

That's right. I don't want to hear any grumbling, I mean it. Close your books and place your notes under your chair. Calculators put away, Kel. No, Bang, you may not use a 3x5 index card for reference. If you need to use the sharpener... the Peet! Sleeves down!... do it now. Reverend, you may use the restroom after the quiz unless it's an emergency. Anyone else? Good.

Name: _______
Room #: _______

True or False

1. Safe sex is the sexiest sex.
2. Folgers is the best part of waking up.
3. A man's trash is sacred.

Multiple Choice

4. I was born
a. yesterday
b. on a pirate ship
c. under a rock
d. none of the above
e. all of the above

5. The symbol of our country (is)
a. a flag
b. cannot just be a flag

c. Michael Moore
d. b and c
e. a and c

6. We have nothing to fear except

a. fear itself
b. Pope Benedict XVI
c. bats! eeeeeeee!
d.Cats The Musical
e. reruns of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'

Eyes on your own quiz!

7. Please read the following carefully
I Der Präsident ist tot
II Sic transit gloria
III Ménage à trois
IV Dove la spiaggia
V Se llama 'bullshit'

a. I and II
b. I, II, and V
c. I, IV, and V
d. II, III, and V
e. II, IV, and V

Five minutes everbody... til the big hand is on the 4.

Short Answer
8. Describe difference between flammable and inflammmable.

9. Give who, what, when, where why for the following quote: "That is the rabbit."
10. Do you like me? (circle one) YES NO

Time's up. Please pass your quizzes forward.

Monday, April 25, 2005

La La Where Are You Going?

  1. To hide away like an ocean you can't see... get out, you don't belong here!
  2. Where everybody knows my name.
  3. Getting my kicks with the cats and chicks at the hop.
  4. Cotton Eye Joe: where I did come from
  5. In an octapus' garden, in the shade.
  6. St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fair.
  7. In the pines, in the pines
  8. By the flowers in my hair, it should be obvious.
  9. The Kentucky State fair, duh.
  10. I go where I feel like, Gosh.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Martian Advice at Reader's Request

Dear Mars,

Everyone has flaws; I know this. My friends are people whose flaws I am willing to ignore. However, sometimes I have a hard time evaluating these seemingly opposing forces. My friend has pushed herself right up to the edge. I used to truly enjoy her company, but it has gotten to the point where I am considering dropping her. Can you offer some guidelines for scoring to help me decide?
Friendship Accountant in Springfield, Florida

Greetings FA,

'Flaw' is a tricky word, as it suggests something is inherently wrong with this person. The person whose 'flaws' these are probably considers them imperfections that don't require much attention, or perhaps doesn't think of them at all. Regardless, friends have their flaws like anyone else. The question is, what kinds of flaws are they? I see 3 basic types of flaws in a relationship - minimal, restrictive, and conflictive.

Minimal flaws are bothersome to you, but do not ultimately affect the relationship. Examples include lack of table manners, poor taste in music or an annoying laugh.

Restrictive flaws limit the relationship, and are a bit more tricky. Stinginess, avoidance of new things and inability to talk about feelings, are examples of qualities that make your friendship a little more difficult. Flaws that hinder the kinds of activities or conversations that you engage in together can make it hard to spend enjoyable time together.

Conflictive flaws draw attention to your differences, in a way that makes one or both of you uncomfortable. Throw two people in a room together, and they are bound to disagree on some things. Whether you have different religions, separate values, or different ideals of what's important, these are often unresolvable differences.

Sometimes dealing with a flaw is as simple as taking precaution to avoid it, such as suggesting an alternative to the nightclub you hate, or steering the conversation away from dangerous topics such as the new pope. However, most often a friend has a combination of the above flaws - probably from more than one category.

In weighing your situation, consider the following questions. Are you often uncomfortable while you are with this person? Do you spend more time avoiding flaws than enjoying each other's company? Do you often feel angry or upset after spending time together? Think about how much you are compromising or sacrificing to be friends with this person, and consider that against the qualities that you find most valuable in her - her ability to listen, her sense of humor, her supportive nature. In the end, only you can decide what is the most costly or beneficial for you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Yours, Mine and Ours

You meet someone. You date for a while. You meet their friends. They meet yours. Everything is going great... until it isn't and you break up. Some end amicably, others less so. But when all is said and done, and you returned their stupid windbreaker that you never liked anyway, you want to hang out with your friends. But which friends are still your friends, and which ones aren't anymore? And are you going to have to share your friends with them?
Here's a quick and easy list - delineating allies.

Instant Messenger

strongnbutifl: whats happenin
1ofdaguys: brb
1ofdaguys is idle
strongnbutifl:
if you're busy we can talk later
Autoresponse from 1ofdaguys: drinkin with the crew


Throw a party on the same night as your ex's birthday. See who comes to which one, and who comes to both.

Came:
Lou (best friend)
Sharon (coworker)
Dallas (neighbor)
Dennis (dependable)
Jen (left at 10:30)
Ben (left with Jen)
Aaron (came at 11:45)
Lynn (came with Aaron)

Didn't Come:
Austin (other neighbor - wtf?)
Susan (midterm)
Erin (not my friend)
Jack (not my friend)
Justin (not a favorite anyway)
Bella (ugly)
Patrick (probably stoned; forgot)


Ask a friend to pick up your stuff from the ex's. If they do it, see how long it takes, and what their attitude towards you is afterwards.

Call a friend up and say you want to talk . Blame all the relationship's problems on yourself. See if they agree.

Look At That Hot Baby

Piney

Ay Ay Ay

mammoth

dino egg

So many babies this spring.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Write In

In the interest of making this blog a little more regulated, I am going to try out an experiment. I want to start a column called 'Reader's Request'

Write in with

questions
complaints
advice needs
horoscope requests

resume drafts
or whatever else suits your fancy

I aim to respond as a weekly type of thing, a la Strong Bad. I'd like to make this a weekly thing. Email me: em oh dee ee ee em eh see eye eh ess at yahoo dot see oh em, or just post to this blog.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Either you are... or you are...

  • hiding a single deuce behind your back... hiding this cake I made for Strong Sad.
  • in love with me for sentimental reasons... in love with me for hidden ulterior motives.
  • Alex Trebec... a big jerk off show off.
  • playing a sick joke on me... succumbing to my immeasurable charms.
  • keeping a sock filled with jello in your pocket... happy to see me.
  • a wise man... a fool [wiser than the wise man].
  • trying to tell me we have less than 9 months to find a crib... going back to Jenny Craig.
  • too full to eat another bite... taunting me with that Tender Crispy Bacon Cheddar Ranch thing.
  • finally serious about settling down and brought me flowers... horny as hell and thought I would be overpowered by their noxious perfumes.
  • Santa Claus... Hitler.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Tell The Terrace I Said Thanks

I borrowed a book from The Peet recently, which she borrowed from said location, a book which title I choose to keep confidential as I am slightly embarassed to have read. However, I would like to quote the author, MB. One character is a cartoon artist. His standards of art: something beautiful and sad and funny and true.

This post doesn't really include any of these ideas.
I'm meditating on that.

And Now For Something Completely Different

When I was in Italy, we went dessert wine tasting in Marsala - the almond flavor is very sweet. We also checked out the archaeology museum. I have been in this room and seen this Punic ship. Possibly from a naval battle in 241 BCE, remains of two warships were found in 1969-71, only 70 m from each other. You can read more about it under Marsala Punic Ships but if you're interested there are a quite a few underwater archaeology sites to choose from.

Even more (but not much more) closely related to my field is the discovery of the remains of the HMS Beagle. I don't know if they're going to find any 'ape to man' illustrations on board or even what they are looking for, but it would be good to take a look at the old girl. Probably not for Darwin though. He is described in Voyage of the HMS Beagle as being incredibly seasick, which accounts for all the time he spent on land collecting specimens. Also, he jumped onto turtles to see what they could do. Keep in mind he was a young man - he didn't write Origin of the Species until much later in life. Maybe that's why he kept jumping on turtles.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul II: Pearly Gate Small Talk

PJPII: Havent I seen you somewhere before?
TS: CNN dot com?
...
TS: Isn't it strange how many people were trying to prevent my death...
PJPII: And how many people were looking forward to mine?
...

PJPII: As I always say, an excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie...
TS: Well, an excuse to lie dying sounds pretty terrible to me.
...

PJPII: Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it.
TS: I was brain dead for 20 years!
PJPII: Scuza
...
TS: Tom DeLay said my death happened because our legal system did not protect the people who need protection most
PJPII: That bleeding heart liberal! The vow of celibacy is a matter of keeping one's word to Christ and the Church.
TS: I think you're confused... he wasn't talking about condoms. I haven't gotten laid in forever.

PJPII: You have no idea.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Stereotypical Blog

Hello to all my [inside joke reference]

Last night I went to [person you don't know]'s and hung out with some cool peeps! Then I came back and ate some [long detailed food description] and it was soooooo yummy. I did some [boring task] and went to bed.

I have been wondering about [pseudonym for romantic interest]. Should I forgive him? Or should I answer his message? Still wondering.

Did you see the preview with [hot actor]? I can't wait til it comes out on DVD and I can freeze it on the bathtub scene!!! Rarrrr.

For all those readers out there, I changed the format of this blog [something hideous and difficult to read, like yellow on green]. Whaddaya think? (animated smiley)

I've decided to quit [bad thing] and start focusing more on [new thing, sounds weird]. I have realized that I need to stay in touch with my dream of [saving world/making money/becoming famous] and start doing [time absorbing goal one won't stick to].

Ooooookay, time for me to go sleeeeepy! Night y'all!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Famous Last Words, And the response, At Request

"I don't feel good." Burbank, Luther (1926)
"You mean you don't feel well." Mrs. Burbank

"I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is used." Bouhours, Dominique
"I am about to - or I am going to - fly; either expression is used." Michael Jackson

"Friends applaud, the comedy is finished." - Beethoven
"Comedians applaud, 'Friends' is finished." - Jennifer Aniston

"It's been a long time since I've had champagne." Chekhov, Anton (1904)
"It's been a long time since I've had champions." Boston

"You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Crowley, Francis "Two Gun" (1931)
"Pot calling the kettle, if you ask me. That lady is a piece of work." -Sons of bitches

"I am mortally wounded, I think" Decatur, Stephen (1820)
"KO!" Player 2, Streetfighter

"My work is done, why wait?" Eastman, George (1932)
"Well, let's see, how much Paid Time Off have you earned?" HR Rep

"Codeine . . . bourbon." Tallulah Bankhead (1968)
"Last time we did that you woke up in Tiajuana" Conscience

"Now comes the mystery." -Henry Ward Beecher (1887)
"Did you want that one signed?" - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Ay Jesus." - Charles V (1380)
"Ay carumba!" - Chorizo the Bee