Why Are We Intervening?

1. Throwing away life and money on family, no time for booze.
2. Addiction to envelope glue has led to infected paper cut on your tongue.
3. Have been wearing same Uncle Jesse T-shirt since 3rd season of Full House.
4. All evidence points towards you being 'Down in the Dumps from Des Moines'; belief that Dear Abby has misadvised you.
5. Lawn ornaments aren't going to arrange themselves, you know.
6. Need to moderate internet usage; keep falling for Nigerian prince scams.
7. Taking infomercials too seriously; massive credit debt due to Lil' Miz' America figurines.
8. Scrimping and pinching should not involve drinking from neighbor's hose.
9. Has become apparent that you reject teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, and will not serve him in alternate galaxy for billions of years unless drastic changes come to light.
   
10. Seen every episode of Friends already, bored.