Either you are... or you are...

• hiding a single deuce behind your back... hiding this cake I made for Strong Sad.
• in love with me for sentimental reasons... in love with me for hidden ulterior motives.
• Alex Trebec... a big jerk off show off.
• playing a sick joke on me... succumbing to my immeasurable charms.
• keeping a sock filled with jello in your pocket... happy to see me.
• a wise man... a fool [wiser than the wise man].
• trying to tell me we have less than 9 months to find a crib... going back to Jenny Craig.
• too full to eat another bite... taunting me with that Tender Crispy Bacon Cheddar Ranch thing.
• finally serious about settling down and brought me flowers... horny as hell and thought I would be overpowered by their noxious perfumes.
• Santa Claus... Hitler.