I'm Sorry

Today, I thought about things I've done, things I'm not proud of. I am not going to admit to anything recent - you can either conclude that I haven't done wrong by anybody since I was 10, or that I am afraid that my reader(s) will recognize the situation.

1. Paul - Sorry for telling your best friend that you are ugly when he told me that you liked me.
2. Sarah - I am sorry for making it painfully obvious I didn't want to ride in the car with you on the girl scout camping trip. I was afraid of associating myself with you, and becoming ostracized. It was self preservation at its ugliest. I hope that you were able to cope with your parents' divorce and you are okay now. If you still cut your own hair, I hope that you got yourself a nice sharp pair and that you don't use school scissors.
3. Brandon - I am sorry for saying that you walk like a rooster, refusing to share my ample supply of candy, and calling you mean to your face. In my defense, you were.
4. Amelia - I am sorry for staring at your butt after Jason insinuated that you were fat by accusing you of causing the 1989 earthquake by jumping rope. That wasn't nice.
5. Steven - Sorry for trying to punch you in the stomach when you were blocking the door in a friendly, playful way. I didn't get it.
6. Nina - I am sorry for laughing when Marian sang "You know you make me wanna barf" to the tune of "Shout", when it was clearly about you. My sense of humor was poor at the time.
7. Armando - I am sorry I laughed in your face when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I didn't realize you were serious. I seriously believed that you despised me.
8. Marilyn - Sorry that I was cold to you for several months. I was threatened by your presence. I only had one friend and I didn't want you to turn her against me. You didn't.
   
9. Loren - Sorry for allowing the rumor to circulate that you eat your own boogers. A liar told it to me. You were nice to me, and I was mean. That was bullshit. I hope you are doing genius things like furthering technology or writing a Great American Novel. This is what I envision you doing these days.
10. Sheila - Sorry for getting us detention by passing you that weird note that was supposed to be from a boy, but was actually me playing a trick on you. Sorry that the teacher read it aloud in front of the class. Thanks for forgiving me. PS Where are you?

He Looks Plastic!!!

Would You Like Some Cheese...

Top 10 Things I Choose to Complain About, Which Really Aren't Hurting Me And Will Do No Lasting Damage, But That I Find Mildly To Moderately Annoying And Therefore Will Advertise As Such

1. My officemate plays Live105 all day long and it drives me CRAZY
2. It can take my hair up to four hours to air dry.
3. The closest two grocery stores to my work are fancy pants expensive ones with$9 deli sandwiches and organic free range corn fed cheese.
   
4. The result of living with a dog? little bits of fluff from the insides of a stuffed animal in every crack, corner, and closet.
5. Whenever I have a personal call and take it outside on my cell phone, at least one express train momentarily deafens myself and whomever I am talking to.
6. Icebreakers Winterfresh Gum is chalky and loses what little flavor it does have far too quickly.
7. Incompetent Secretaries.
8. My cat has figured out how to turn on the radio to wake me up so I will play with her.
9. My desk is oriented so that it faces away from the doorway, such that anyone who does not enter loudly ends up suprising the hell out of me.
10. The NYT doesn't let me read all their articles for free anymore.

It's Not You, It's Me

Along the lines of my previous post, worst break-up excuses.

1. When I envision our lives together, it makes me feel suffocated. I realize that I'm the one putting the plastic bag over my head, not you. But still, I think I need some space.
2. Look, if we aren't married when we're 45, let's get married... to lobsters. You know, sort of a f*** you to the institution of marriage.
   
3. I'm hella gay.
4. I'm not saying we should split. I'm just looking for a change of pace, taking a break from work, meet some new people, especially women people, and maybe move with one of them for a while. But that's not final or anything... it's just an idea.
5. I think that you're too smart for me. Look, I made a some graphs and two-way analyses. And this Dadaist painting. A playlist of post-British invasion rock. You see what I mean? Of course you do.
6. When you told me that you and your sister share everything... well, I got the wrong idea. I got confused. It could happen to anyone.
7. You've changed. You used to read books about flower arrangements, now you only read about the species. You used to look at me longingly, now you look at me lovingly. What happened to that red dress? It's at the cleaners. You see where this is going. You're not the woman I fell in love with - you've become unrecognizable to me.
8. I've found my calling. I want to study life forms in Antarctica. No, I didn't get this idea from March of the Penguins. I want to learn about life in negative zero environment, cut off from the world, without phone, internet, television, or human contact. I'll come back for you when I think you're ready for this too.
9. I have an addiction to press N seal envelopes. I'm going away, to a clinic, to get professional help. I'm going to beat this thing, I don't care how long it takes. Visiting hours are on alternating Wednesdays between 3 and 5 am. I'll see you.
   
10. I'm afraid of your penis.
    

Martian Advice For Crazies

Dear Mars, I work for a law firm, and my job right now is to write reports summarizing the big cases that our firm has won and lost over the last ten years. My problem is that whenever I turn in a report, my boss tells me I'm doing it wrong -- BUT HIS ADVICE CONTRADICTS ITSELF ALL THE FRIKKIN TIME AND I'M GOING CRAZY For example, the first time, I started the report by stating the outcome of the case, and he told me that was inappropriate... that the outcome should come at the end. So next time, I put the outcome at the end. BUT THEN HE TOLD ME IT WAS INAPROPOROIATE AGIAN I even said to him, "Umm sir, I could be mistaken, but I thought you said last time that the outcome should always come at the end of the report." And he was like, "No, there's no way I said that. Please listen more carefully next time." WELL WHAT IF I THINK YOOU SHOULD LISTEN MORE CREFULLY YOU BLOWJOB I SHOUD BE THE BOOS AROUND HERE GODDMAMIT I'm sorry, it's affecting my concentration... I just don't know how to format my work, since I know whatever I do, he'll just tell me it's wrong. This has been happening all month, and I am considering bringing a bazooka to work to put an end to this awful freak show. MARS CAN YOU HELP ME??? Sincerely, Mad and Crazy

Dear MAC,
First of all, let's all remember to use the spell check. If your email implies that you should be The Boozer, not The Boss as I may have misinterpreted, allow me to advise you that violent alcoholic rages are rarely a lasting solution.
Secondly, I would like to remind you of my previous posting from June - it outlines a lot of pitfalls to avoid. Ensure you understand the scope and content of the project; ask around. "Is this a regular freak show we run here, or do we bring something special to this type of entertainment?" would be a good way to do this.
If you are provided the opportunity, make a lunch date with your boss. I'd advise you to be respectful but not too chummy - take responsibility and tell him "I apologize for my mistakes, Mister Blowjob." Repeat back what your boss advises, and write it down immediately for future reference.

Best of luck
Mars

PS Allow me to clarify one other point: Martians are not currently endorsing any brand of chewing gum, bazooka or otherwise. Offers can be mailed to the address below.

Questions? Problems? You thought this component had died? Email me your queries at em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo dot com, or leave one in the comments.

Commercial Combinations That Never Took Off

1. Barbeques Galore/Sushi To Go
2. Hagen Daaz/Laundromat
3. Adult Bookstore/Baby Gym
4. Office Depot/Curves
5. Psychic/Dentist
6. Japanese Stationary Store/Japanese Stationary Bicycle Store
7. Vegan Restaurant/Hummer Dealership
8. Ikea/Shoe Repair
9. ENT Clinic/ Borders
10. Lady Foot Locker/Gentleman’s Club

Quote and Response

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. - Martin Luther King Jr.
It may be true that a lynching cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from dating around, and I think that's pretty important.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.-Erica Jong
A stomachache is what we ask for when we already know we ate too much but wish we didn't.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.- James Branch Cabell
The presidential administration proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the minority voter fears this is true.

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard.-Daphne du Maurier
Arrested Development, Season One, Public Relations. Milford school anyone?

Education is what you get if you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.-Pete Seeger
Enlightenment is what you get if you take mind altering drugs. Freedom is what you get if you don't.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.-H G Wells
Halloween is a strumpet with a halo. Thank you, Mean Girls.

Assume a virtue, if you have it not.-William Shakespeare
Assume an identity, if you have it not, 'it' referring to FBI protection.

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.-Oscar Wilde
Weak comedy is to be avoided; it is often vulgar and rarely convincing.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.-Saint Augustine
O Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood [right now] - The Animals

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.-Lewis Carroll
Only if LSD doesn't count as a meal.

Just Do It

1. Sorority girls do it with their sisters
2. Thom Yorke does it to himself
3. Photographers do it in the dark
4. Houdini does it underwater, in a straightjacket, in a locked coffin
5. Psychologists do it on the couch
6. The Beatles do it in The Road
7. Archaeologists do it in the dirt
8. Everything Finn has ever done, he did for Gwyneth Paltrow
   
9. Divers do it completely shaved
10. Britney Spears does televised
    
11. Proctologists do it...
    

We Eat Spamalot

Some guy, as you can see in my previous entry, thought it would be awesome to spam my comments.
Vastly uncool.
So now you need to do a word verification so that you can comment.
Sorry for the extra step.

I'm Not Normally Political...

But I would like to point one thing out.

Bush says he didn't think anybody "anticipated the breach of the levees. They did appreciate a serious storm but these levees got breached and as a result much of New Orleans is flooded and now we're having to deal with it and will."
Hmm, really?
Well, what we need is the National Guard. No problem... oh wait. Regardless, we are there for a good reason... oh damn.
Hey, it's not like I caused the hurricane.
Fuck.


Thanks to coryf8 and The Good Reverend in their infinite wisdom and insight