Top Ten Ways To Spice Up A House Party

1. Get drunk, dance on a table with a lamp shade on your head, and break a vase
2. Hide in the coat closet. Every time someone opens the door, scream like a banshee and lunge at them.
3. Replace the keg with non-alcoholic beer*
4. Start a collection for a 'donation' to a vague and suspicious sounding cause
5. Insinuate that the host is a child molester
6. Find two people who are obviously came to the party together. Approach the partner of your choice, and start a lover's quarrel. Accuse them of playing stupid with you, and slap them. Hard.
7. Treat something filled with water (a pool, a fish tank) as if it were a toilet
8. Endear yourself to a guest by crying and telling self pitying stories for a couple hours
9. Shout a celebratory phrase (a la 'Merry Christmas') to get people in the spirit, even if it is the Fourth of July
10. Just be yourself

* This may have no affect on other's behavior

P.S. I Don't Love You Anymore

In light of how my past couple of posts and comments have been going, the rest of February is dedicated to Top 10 Lists, to which I hope my readers (faithful and otherwise) will contribute.

Today's List?

Top 10 Worst Ways to Break Up With Someone
1. Instant messenger

QT3.14159: I don't know about us anymore
Stan4d4eva: What do you mean?
QT3.14159: I think we should break up
QT3.14159: Can we still be friends ;-)
QT3.14159: OMG, this is so sad :-( :-( :-(
QT3.14159: gtg
QT3.14159: ttyl
Stan4d4eva: Can't we talk about this?
AutoResponse from QT3.14159: I am away from my computer right now.

2. Over a cell phone

Jack: I don't think this will work out
Jill: What?
Jack: I don't think this will work out
Jill: The connection is bad, I'm inside the library
Jack: IT WON'T WORK OUT
Jill: We can go to the gym tomorrow
Jack: NO. I WANT TO BREAK UP
Jill: Hello.... Jack? Hello?

3. During a family reunion
Grandma: How are you doing, honey?
Bryce: I'm great, this is my girlfriend Anna.
Anna: Actually, we're not exclusive
Grandma: Beg your pardon, dear?
Anna: I've been seeing someone else.
Bryce: What do you ... excuse us, Grandma Janis.

More to follow...

NN V

That which does not destroy you makes you stronger

is generally accepted to be true.

The following are not:

That which does not frighten you makes you braver.
That which does not confuse you makes you smarter.
That which does not harden you makes you softer.
That which does not blackmail you makes you richer.
That which does not soil you makes you cleaner.

Now, explain that one to your kids.

NN: Beware

March 15 is the most commonly known dangerous date, a la, Beware the Ides of March. However, I've created a quick and easy calendar of the lesser known Ides, and how to manage their perils.

Belittle the Ides of January
Bewed the Ides of Feb.
Beware the Ides of March
Bestride the Ides of April
Berate the Ides of May
Befriend the Ides of June
Befuddle the Ides of July
Bedevil the Ides of August
Berate the Ides of September
Bedoctor the Ides of October
Betroth the Ides of Nov.
Bedazzle the Ides of December

Not A Tool

Just a metapodial. Sorry to disappoint.

Life and Death

The glass is full, the glass is broke
And every day dissolves and there's no hope
Of ever leaving this temporary life.
-Death Cab For Cutie

I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
-Melissa Etheridge

You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
When the earth folded on itself
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
-Modest Mouse

A Taste of Honey

While waiting for inspiration to strike, check out the following

Aand fwankly Im wowwrwwied...
Frank?
I speak English and I love you
I think we've found something
Just wishin and hopin
Know your onions
Procrastination
Sophomore year
Take that, mapquest

NN: Life Lessons

If there's one thing I've learned about marriage, it's that if you adopt a monkey you should make sure to use a cage with a slotted bottom so their feces fall between the bars and into some kind of waste trough. This will prevent a lot of trouble in the future, because if the monkey gets agitated it won't be able to throw its own poop, and you can avoid a lot of costly dry cleaning bills.

Excuses Excuses

From: Marisa [mailto:marisa@university.edu]
Sent: Friday, February 04, 2005 4:07 PM
To: Professor XXXX [mailto:XX.XX@university.edu]
Subject: Original Piece

Dear Professor XXXX,

I will be unable to submit my 10 page original work by the 5pm deadline today. Due to extenuating circumstances, I am requesting an extension.

Approximately 5:00 pm on Tuesday night, I felt chills up and down my spine. I blacked out. The next thing I remember is my Residence Assistant looking into my eyes worriedly. I asked her what time it was, and she said it was 3:30 PM on Friday. You can imagine my surprise.

I apparently was possessed by the ghost of Ernest Hemingway. It is believed that he was inspired by the prompt, and used my earthly being to house him as a means to write again. When my neighbors discovered me eating Saltine crackers and muttering about the sea, at first they thought nothing. But as I began snarling at passers by on Thursday evening, they contacted my RA, who in turn, contacted a priest. After several grueling hours of exhorcism, they were able to compel the spirit from my body.

I turned on my computer to discover I had completed the assignment, but you can see my concern. Sumbitting the work of Ernest Hemingway would be nothing short of plagairism, and I would feel terrible about this.

Please let me know.

-Student

I Want To Tell You

Being employed, in some ways, is a nice change because I finally get some thinking time to myself. In school, there's always more work or studying that should get done, instead of self-reflection. When I walk out of the office, I am done. All my thoughts are my own and I can focus on whatever I please.

I've gotten to thinking about lying. Everyone tells white lies (your hair looks... different?) but I am talking about bigger lies, hurtful lies, lies that shouldn't be told. Lies break trust. Lies change relationships. Lies kill (WMD anyone?)

Also, what about this concept of lying by omission? Technically, you aren't lying, per se, as you have not said anything that isn't true. However, let's not ignore that there is clearly some information you are withholding that the other person should know. You know you're obligated to tell them... but in their state of ignorance, you're safe and potentially better off. So you keep your mouth shut and pray they'll never know.

For the record, I am not a notorious liar. I have lied big lies before. However, more often than not I end up revealing the truth sooner or later, and rarely, it's because I am about to be caught. I almost always end up admitting my lies because I don't like being deceptive. Somehow, I developed a conscience (without religion, mind you!) and feel bad about these so-called "untruths."

So you decide to bite the bullet, tell the truth, handle the consequences. You look at the person, and you feel physically ill, because you're about to turn yourself in for the fraud you are. You tell them, and this sort of glaze passes over their eyes. There's not even a good reason. I wanted to benefit from the situation? I was selfish, and wanted to have my cake and eat it too? I thought you'd never need to know? These only make the lie more disgusting. At least admitting lies is freeing... sort of.

Maybe admitting lies is a sign of some sort of maturity... or not. However, as I've gotten older I have lied less and revealed sooner. I don't like the responsibility, the moral weight, and the memory required to maintain that lies require. I revealed one of my last remaining lies a couple weeks ago, and it's a relief, I'll tell you that.

Why do I keep telling them, is the real question. To a certain degree, it means that you are now more important. Whatsmore, that secret is yours. You've got a secret, and nobody else knows. When you tell a secret, it's over. You lose something.

Maybe maturity is like the tide - comes and goes, but over time there's definitely an impact. Take a Geology class if you don't believe me. Well, geology will focus more on the impact (think sea stacks) and less on maturity, unless we're talking about geologic age...

It's a weak connection. I'm working on it