Top Ten Feel Good About Thyself

In conjuction with previous post, here are 10 things you can say to yourself when you're feeling blue.

1. At least I'm not like that fat guy in the apartment across the way who can't get off the couch by himself anymore (if you are, keep adding qualifiers until this is true: eg, with black hair, who watches pro wrestling re-runs)

2. I am good at putting the right amount of ketchup on fries.

3. I am the only one of my friends who saw that guy fall down a flight of stairs into a garbage can, so I alone have license to tell that story.

4. I look great in this ... thing I am wearing.

5. It's not that people don't like me. People are intimidated by my social graces and fun, friendly nature.

6. I could do the Sunday New York Times Crossword if I felt like it. I just don't feel like it.

7. I am a great catch. Everyone else is too blind to see it because they want to date someone dumber/easier/fertiler.

8. I didn't want the job anyway, because their vending machine was full of Doritos and I am a Fritos man.

9. I know a lot about drinks from drinking, and a lot about personal problems from daytime TV. I would make a great bartender if the hours didn't conflict with my busy drinking and TV watching schedule.

10. I can easily think of 10 things that would make me feel better than this list just did.

How Much Is Too Much?

I wrote this right before I went to sleep, and I have no clue what it was supposed to be about.

How Are We Coping With Disappointment?

1. Meditating on prickly bear skin rug
2. Pursuing dream from age 7 - deep fried snickers bar kiosk
3. Distracting self with bleeding techniques
4. Improving flexibility, kicking own ass
5. Drowning sorrows in mayple syrup
6. Screaming, flailing, flinging
7. Befriending worm in tequila bottle
8. Beating up ocean waves, symbolizing fight against tides of time
9. Taking it out on telemarketers
10. Face reality through lens of muscle relaxants

The Facebook

Once you have graduated, the facebook is really, for the most part, over. You leave a profile of who you thought you were around the age of 20 - where you live, things you like, pictures of you before you get old/fat/bald, dumb things other people have said that you thought were funny at the time and now make absolutely no goddamn sense. There is this skeleton of your college self floating around on the net... after a while you even forget it is there. Is it something to be preserved so that you can look back? Or is it a piece of trash lost in cyberspace?

Ten Awkward Ways To Come Out Of The Closet

1. In a knock-knock joke
2. "I have this friend, it's not me, who is gay. How should I, I mean she, tell all her friends?"
3. Grab same sex friend at crowded party; kiss them
4. During toast at wedding
5. I wanna take you to a GAY bar GAY bar GAY BAR
6. Write it on napkin, put in mother's purse
7. Ask girlfriend's if brother is single
8. Right before end of Intermission
9. Watch Queer Eye, hope someone takes hint
10. In blog

Where Did I Go?

1. Straight to hell, as suggested by officemate
2. Out for a cigarette. In 1997.
3. Subtitle of blog insinuates even I do not know
4. Proverbial quest for truth
5. Gilbert, AZ
6. On a jet plane, now I'm back again. Still got that wedding ring?
7. I've been walking after midnight
8. Blogger lost entries, I was angry
9. That's the actual reason
10. I've been here all along
11. Sorry about that preachy post

Women: Have Some F---ing Class

After reading this garbage for the past couple of days, I am filled with an urge to track down these girls* and tell them a thing or two. Without further adieu, women of the world, here are 5 steps to having some F-ing class.

1. Don't dress like a prostitute. Sounds obvious, right? Don't wear a habit, but for the love of cheese, don't go naked. Wear a skimpy top with pants. Combine revealing and outrageous with modest and natural. You don't freeze, you don't boil.

2. Don't act like an idiot. Don't talk about money, don't be catty, act alive and interesting. Use your vocabulary, ask questions and listen to the answers. Have some damn personality.

3. Don't date assholes, and don't give them second chances. Someone who doesn't respect women sure is hell isn't going to respect you! You're worth more than that! If the asshole claims reformation, don't jump back in with them. The asshole has to earn a second chance, showing strong morals and manners and treating you how every woman deserves.

4. Don't overdo it. Drink moderately. Speak at a normal volume. That goes for your make-up too.

and finally, it comes to this

5. Don't give a beej on the first date. Ever. Ever.
You can say what you like about leaving him wanting more, but real the question is, would he do it for you? On the first date? Doubtful. Save it for when he's going to reciprocate.


* I have actually decided that this is not a blog at all but fiction. I would like to believe that no women would be quite this godawful... but I know they are out there.

Reasons We Aren't Getting Lucky Tonight

1. Smell like cabbage
2. Have to be at altar by nine
3. Washing her hair
4. Husband in town again
5. They charge these days?
6. Charming pick up line == drink thrown in face
7. Not tonight, has headache
8. Filling in for injured rodeo clown
9. Powder blue tux still at cleaners
10.Jack

A Bit More Serious, Perhaps

At what point are we responsible for ourselves as opposed to a product of the environment which our parents created? Yes, I have compassion for people who have had difficult lives. I am impressed and humbled by the various challenges people my age have encountered while they are/were so young. After a certain point, however, you are responsible for yourself. It's a crime and a shame that someone would be beaten as a child, but by his (universal his) early twenties he should be mature enough to start really facing these facts and handling them - seeking counseling, resolving issues of self worth, and taking charge of his mental health.

Physical health is something many people (although not enough, Fast Food Nation) take for granted. Mental health is often ignored. But what kind of productive society member can you be if you are metaphorically wounded?

Top Hobbies and Interests

1. Skeet and Trap Club
2. Breathing
3. Skull N Bones, Equipment Manager
4. Member of Antique Gun Collector's Association
5. Home Maintenence
6. Quilting Society, Founding Member
7. Ohio Historical Society
8. Matchmaking (tinder, not romance)
9. Buick Club of America
10. Top 10 Lists

Where Were YOU Last Night?

1. No Service/Roaming
2. The ER, having conscience surgically removed
3. County jail. Dad says hi
4. Choosing between whitening and tartar control
5. Where was I? I was at home
6. Noisy club, couldn't hear cell
7. Looking for you, GOSH
8. On Bridge, debating suicide
9. Garden of Good and Evil
10. Barstow