How To Survive a First Date

In honor of the Bang... reliable tips to keep a romantic encounter from getting too weird.

1. A good way to start the evening off right is to introduce your date to your parents. This way, you can count on your parents to quickly identify all your date's shortcomings, so you have a head start on getting to know each other.
2. See the movie first, then have dinner. That way at dinner you can talk about rotted-flesh zombies instead of trying to figure out what you have in common
3. Instead of a traditional date, do a fun interactive activity that you will both enjoy, like dumpster diving. Note: this is not the occasion to wear your gold spike heels
4. Smile, nod, throw in a couple of "yeahs" or "uh huhs."
5. If the conversation trails off, pretend that you are from E! and are interviewing your favorite musician about their life. Ask your date when the band is releasing their next album.
6. Impress your date with your prowess by flirting with everyone withing a 5 yard radius at all times
7. When the check comes, arm wrestle to determine who pays and who gets a free ride.
8. Remember: just because your date paid, doesn't mean you owe them anything (besides oral sex).
9. If your date tries to initiate contact before you're ready, scream "No means no!" Do not apologize.
10. When in doubt, ask yourself, what would L. Ron Hubbard do?

Oh God, What Have You Wrought Upon My Toilet?

I usually don't post on the weekend, but the past 36 hours have been just bizarre enough to incite an inspiring true story, as titled above, in a made-for-TV Lifetime movie.

6:30 PM
I return from work as usual... eat some leftover hamburger helper, then apple slices dipped in chocolate whipped cream, watch a rerun of Friends, and leave to see The Peet perform in a wushu extravaganza.

7:15 PM
I greet Mr and Mrs Peet in the parking lot, and meet The Peet's main squeeze in a ridiculously long line. Sonejid meets up with us shortly thereafter - we get seats back center and prepare for an evening of the art of Wushu.

8:30 PM
How long is this thing???

9:25 PM
"Iron Crotch" did not perform any crotch stunts, but he
1 Painted a painting while standing on eggshells
2 Broke some chain wrapped around his chest while playing the flute
3 Bent a very sturdy looking piece of pipe in half

9:38 PM
Iron Crotch's son broke some concrete with his hand.

10:45 PM
The show is over, my head is aching. I congratulate the Peet, pick up my main squeeze, and head home.

11:48 PM
I feel queasy. I go pee, then go lie down.

11:52 PM
I still feel queasy. I throw up said meal. The kind of throwing up that makes tears run down your face.

12:06 PM
I feel cured and go to sleep. Main squeeze is very understanding and not completely grossed out.

9:30 AM
I awake. Shoot the breeze with main squeeze.

11:00 AM
I enter the shower

11:20 AM
I exit the shower, and notice that the toilet seems overly full. I decide to brave it and flush

11:21 AM
HUGE MISTAKE!!! Toilet water spewing everywhere and I'm naked! Help!

11:24 AM
I run into bedroom and throw clothes on. Main squeeze starts bailing toilet into bathtub. I start throwing towels, dirty jeans, old dorm T shirts down.

11:26 AM
I run up to the manager's apartment and tell them what's going on. They already know; they're about to go turn the water off.

11:31 AM
Water stops spewing - bathroom is 1 inch deep in water and carpet outside is soaked.

11:45 AM
First we use all the paper towels left in the house. Then we use most of the toilet paper. I find an old couch cover to use. That isn't enough, so I make a decision. I decide to sacrifice some brand new sheets that were still in their packaging. This seems to help. Soak soak soak.

12:20 PM
I am satisfied with the carpet not being completely soaking disgusting.

12:35 PM
I wash my hands with a ton of soap and water. I have nothing to wipe them on. I use my jeans.

12:45 PM
I make breakfast, but first I must wash the dishes so that I can dry them. I have nothing to wipe the pan dry with. I use toilet paper.

1:15 PM
I take main squeeze home.

1:40 PM
I pick up Maximus from boarder - Bang will be home later today, but not in time before the boarder closes.

2:15 PM
Carpet cleaning people show up. Start sucking water out of my carpet.

2:30 PM
I throw sopping towels, jeans, etc into washer.

3:00 PM
Carpet guy hauls out water vaccuum, is bringing deodorizing equipment.

3:10 PM
I want to put items into dryer. I am short 1 quarter.

3:12 PM
Carpet guy has quarter.

3:15
I sit down to blog. My headache is returning. Ai yah.

Martian Quest for Truth... and Babies

Where do baby storks come from?

-Bemused in Boise

Gentle BB,

Your question is perfectly timed for this week's discussion. Recently, it has come to light that Nature may have suppressed this vital academic information from the public eye.

It is rumoured that Nature has rejected without review a study showing that
storks bring babies into the world. -Letters to the Editor, Solidarity...

If we continue to stifle such vital academic studies, what, pray tell, will we be able to tell our children? Wikipedia acknowledges that in Western culture the White Stork is a symbol of childbirth. Symbol? Perhaps they refer to the "Vlasic" brand mascot of a child-bearing stork.

Based on this information, I have drawn a series of conclusions

1. Storks bring our babies
2. They don't want you to know!
3. Despite the scientific community's rash outbursts against the pursuit of knowledge, Vlasic supplies our ignorant public with its propogandic "mascot" representing TRUTH
4. Science today is in direct conflict with a leading brand of pickles
5. As babies are born pure, they are inherently a font of truth. However, as biological beings they also are a fascinating aspect of science. Baby storks are the intersection of the Ven Diagram of Stork Truth and Science
6. To protect baby storks from being poked and prodded with scientific machinery, they are cleverly disguised.
7. As what, you might ask? Pickles

Where do baby storks come from? Ask Vlasic; they're the ones putting them into jars and distributing them nationwide. But at the very least this will stop your children cold from not only eating pickles but drinking the brine - stork urine.

Mars is available to advise you on your high ideals, personal problems, telecommuter troubles, burning questions and urethras. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo.com

Zack Braff's Advice

From Mr. Garden Scrubs himself:

"Many of you have been asking me individual questions regarding your own lives. I can't possible reply to them all, so I just picked a sampling, and posted replies. You'll know who you are...

• To Sarah: Seltzer should get that out.
• To Amelia: Oh no he didn't!
• To Gary: Try ointment.
• To Bruce: Be careful, sometimes they nibble and it tickles, but I've seen them bite.
• To Karen: They like partial sun and lot's of water
• To Cecilia: As far as I know, there's no noogett in Skittles.
• To Lester: Uncuff him and call the police.
• To Tammy: If you wanna know where he's been grazing, just smell his hooves.
• To Jermaine: Jermaine, just be the bigger man and apologize to Tito.

Wise, wise man.

Archaeology Monday

Hello faithful reader(s)

Today we are investigating Egypt, land of 1000 mysteries (or is it land of 1000 pyramids? maybe lakes? I have no idea - probably not lakes though). This is the most interesting news I have found of Egyptian archaeology over the past year or so.

"King Tut's curse" excited the world after the discovery in 1922 of the ancient pharaoh's tomb in Egypt. Lord Carnarvon, a British sponsor of archaeology in Egypt, died shortly after attending the tomb's opening, inspiring speculation that supernatural forces were at work. Possible explanations: ancient, toxic pathogens from the sealed tomb; foodstuffs—meats, vegetables, and fruits (left with the dead to be brought to the afterlife), which may have attracted insects, molds, [bacteria], and those kinds of things; mold carried by the ancient mummies, including at least two potentially dangerous species—Aspergillus niger and Aspergillus flavus, which can cause allergic reactions ranging from congestion to bleeding in the lungs; respiratory-assaulting bacteria like Pseudomonas and Staphylococcus from the tomb walls; ammonia gas, formaldehyde, and hydrogen sulfide inside sealed sarcophagi; fungus that can cause the influenza-like respiratory disease histoplasmosis from bat droppings.
Conclusion? He was old, he didn't get sick after his first exposure to the tomb months earlier, and he was already chronically ill. At least he didn't live to see Tut all namby pambied up.

This article sums up what's been going on with Tut's head. With 3 independent modes of analysis, scientists were able to come up with a pretty good picture of what he must of looked like. Conclusion: not murdered, not bashed in head. Possible leg injury led to fatal infection. The link also provides that lovely picture - eyelashes, hair, and kohl were added later.

Here we have the unearthing of the first mummified lion ever found in an Egyptian tomb; the tomb of Tut's wet nurse, to be exact. Archaeologists knew of cemeteries for baboons, ibis, fish, cats, dogs, and crocodiles, they had never found lions buried.Lion bones have been found in the city of Abydos, but this one was particularly special. Perched on a rock and surrounded by other animal bones lay a virtually complete skeleton of a feline creature. The skeleton was in excellent condition, except that the skull had been partly crushed. The large size indicated it was a male, and researchers believe it was probably kept in captivity before dying of old age. Although no linen bandages were found, they believe the lion had been mummified.

That's Hella Gay

So, in case you haven't been reading the news 3-4 hours per day, there is this article about how homosexual men's brains react differently to pheremones from women, men, and other gay men. Hmm, could this be just further evidence that this is biological, and perhaps is part of the normal spectrum of this grand old kingdom? I guess at least there was a lot of support rallied for those gay penguins. So why are we dragging our feet - what is so hard to understand? These guys are okay with it.

Dogs Bollocks

Despite Maximus' many rabid-like antics, I have to say that dogs on the whole seem to be a pretty good species. Especially, in the sense that they can care for species other than their own. This guy says it is apparently possible to raise children on milk from a dog*.

How long have we been depending on dogs? Apparently the domestic dog we know and love today originated in Asia, and the first Americans (not you) brought their dogs across the Bering Strait.

And from that humble beginning, we get this.





If you're curious about the title, you must see this man in action.


*Although I find his line of rationale questionable at times, I admire his wholistic, multidisciplinary, Diamond-esque approach; one that I think that science should more actively embrace.

Goodbye Sydney

You were a good kitty and everyone loved you. I'm sorry you got sick - I did the best I could for you. I'll miss you.

Martian Housewives

Dear Mars,
Although I have no immediate career goals or romantic prospects, it is my life's dream to be a housewife. But in our modern society, I fear others will look down on me for it. Can you tell me my goal is a viable one?
Thanks,
Desperate to be a Housewife in Springfield, Kentucky

Dear DH,
Your troubles are not uncommon. In a changing economy, a dual income household is more and more becoming the standard; many women feel pressured to secure a career in addition to household responsibilities. However, as you do not have a family (yet!) it is time to do some soul searching.

You have a unique opportunity to discover what's really exciting to you. Regardless of how rewarding family life is, you will need personal time for yourself. Consider volunteering at the library, or taking an art class. Keeping up with your own interests while building a home is essential to maintaining an identity. A sense of self will give you a much needed dose of sanity when things get crazy! Plus, let us not forget transitive theory from ninth grade geometry

1. Know thy enemy
2. You are your own worst enemy
3. Know thyself
QED

Enough said - now dive in, and know yourself better!

Mars is available to advise you on your hopes, dreams, careers, fashion and optical inquiries. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo.com

Pop Quiz II

Students! A second chance to revitalize your grades! Match the appropriate office sound with the phonetic spelling. Take your time - but I don't want to hear a peep out of you!

I have faith you will do better on this one

1. A/C downstairs
2. Copier
3. Delivery trucks across the street
4. Fax
5. Hole punch
6. Phone
7. Printer
8. Shredder
9. Train crossings
10. Happiness being sucked away

• A bGIGIGIGIGIGIGGGGGtt
• B bleedleelee, bleedleelee
• C bruuuuuiiiiiiuuuuuuh phoooooooo, bruuuuuiiiiiiuuuuuuh phoooooooo
• D bvvvvrrrr
• E dee doo dee dooo, bleeeeeeeeeeeeeee, brr eee brr eee
• F ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ding ding ding ding ding
• G rurrrrrurrrrrrrrrrurrrrrrrrrr
• H shhhhhh
• I shrrrllllluuuurp
• J skrreeee vooo, rubbrubbrubbrubbrubb

Truisms and Falsisms

Top 5 things your grandma told you which are true versus Top 5 things the grocery checker told you which are not true

Never stop learning v. Never stop eating
Wisdom comes with age v. Cheez whiz ages well
These are the best years of your life v. These are the years of hell you'll romanticize later
You can't make someone change - they have to want to change v. I don't make change at my register
Haste makes waste v. Hurry, this deal ends today!

Top 5 ways that Grandma and the checker agree

The best things come along when you're least expecting it v. You saved 10% today!
Hard work brings its rewards v. You are just $30 away from earing your first free sandwich
Nothing is for free/Caveat emptor v. This shit ain't free but it comes with a free nail file
Don't count your chickens before they hatch v. We don't deliver after 6 pm
Treat others how you want to be treated v. I will be right with you

The Grades Are In...

and I've posted them by the light switch:

Good Reverend: 95%
The Peet: 83%
Red Shoe: 72%
Kel Younger: 72%
Bang: 0... this 0 will stay a 0 until you make this up!!!

I cannot release the key, as Bang has yet to complete the quiz.

There is extra credit to those of you who are interested in upping your score. For a 5-10% boost to your quiz...

NAME MY KITTEN