Musings on Mars

Blogger, Thanks For The Good Times

2005-11-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

Hey folks. I have transported myself to Wordpress at marsiam.com. That's right, MarsIAm. It's been real, and it's been fun... anyway, I transported all my old posts so you can still enjoy the best of Musings on Mars at my new site.

See ya on the flip side,
M

Atherton Police Blotter Highlights

2005-11-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

Lilac Lane, 7:23 a.m.: A resident called police to report a suspicious-looking red compact car parked at the end of ilac Lane. Police responded and found that the car was filled with construction workers waiting to start a job.

Greenoaks Drive and James Avenue, 10:41 a.m.: A resident reported a suspicious-looking man with a beard and wearing khaki. Police were unable to locate the man. Police were unable to locate the man.

Greenoaks Drive, 2:54 p.m.: An elderly man fainted.

Walnut Avenue, 5:45 p.m.: A resident reported barking dogs. Police responded, but found that the report was unfounded.

No Location, 8:41 p.m.: A resident reported that a man came to their door claiming to have been short by four to five people driving a grey Honda. Police responded and confirmed that the man has been shot by someone with a paintball gun.

What Have We Been Sleeping On?

2005-11-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

Associates Degree in Business Management vs Accounting
Hairbrush to simulate porcupine (childhood pet)
Moving out of basement
Textbooks (for osmosis purposes)
Shame for murdering, chopping, hiding tax collector in wall
California King Sealy Posturpedic (dual controls for heating blanket)
Digital cable
East side of bed - proper feng shui
Sex with Meatloaf vs Normal life
GM purchase

I'm Gonna Have You Naked By The End Of This Post

2005-11-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Worst Songs To Have Sex During
Two Part Answers
Reasons pertain to musicality and content

1. Raffi - Baby Baluga
A Children's music: standard no-no for listening, let alone love making
B Raises topic of babies

2. Queen - We Are The Champions
A May be interpreted as overcompensation for personal inadequacy
B Too slow

3. Spooky Sounds For Halloween
A Why is the only music you own a seasonal tape you bought at Kmart?
B Erratic noises distracting

4. N.W.A. - F*** tha Police
A Too angry
B Too eighties

5. Blue Danube Waltz
A Too bright and energetic
B Can you fuck in 3/4? No? Okay then

6. Star Wars Theme
A Too loud
B Too nerdy

7. U of M Marching Band - Let's Go Band
See number 6

8. A**l C**t - Technology Is Gay
A Band, song title make people uncomfortable
B Lots of screaming and crashing

9. Carole King - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
A May bring unplesant conversation to light
B Waaay too slow

10. Pulp Fiction Soundtrack - Royale With Cheese
A Actually I take it back
B Samuel Jackson is the pansexual for those of us with discriminating taste.

Should I Be Insulted?

2005-11-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery...

So Happy Together Now That She's Not There

2005-10-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

She's Not There
Happy Together

Structural Similarities:
1. The first two lines of the verse are front heavy: the second part of the line only has 2-4 syllables

Well no one told me about her the way she lied [4]
Well no one told me about her how many people cried[4]
But it's too late to say you're sorry
How would I know why should I care
Please don't bother tryin' to find her
She's not there

Imagine me and you I do [2]
I think about you day and night
It's only right [4]
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight
So happy together

2. Verse ends with the name of the song

Well no one told me about her the way she lied
Well no one told me about her how many people cried
But it's too late to say you're sorry
How would I know why should I care
Please don't bother tryin' to find her
She's not there

If I should call you up invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
So very fine
So happy together

3. Short chorus with only one rhyming line

Well let me tell you 'bout the way she looked
The way she'd act and the colour of her hair
Her voice was soft and cool
Her eyes were clear and bright
But she's not there

I can see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

4.  Certain lines repeated twice within each verse/chorus

Well no one told me about her, what could I do
Well no one told me about her, though they all knew
But it's too late to say you're sorry
How would I know, why should I care
Please don't bother tryin' to find her
She's not there

I can see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

5.  Verses repeated towards end of song

But it's too late to say you're sorry 
How would I know, why should I care 
Please don't bother tryin' to find her 
She's not there

Well let me tell you 'bout the way she looked 
The way she'd act and the colour of her hair 
Her voice was soft and cool 
Her eyes were clear and bright 
But she's not there

But it's too late to say you're sorry 
How would I know, why should I care 
Please don't bother tryin' to find her 
She's not there

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice 
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

I can see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice 
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together

Pieces of Advice

2005-10-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

If I could give just one piece of advice to young people, it would be this:

You are surrounded by mostly insecure, confused, idiotic other young people - day in, day out. These people have the quintissential problem that teenagers face: trying to learn and decide who they are. In the process, there are a lot of jerks who are going to tear you down just for a measly drop of self-respect. Don't let anybody make you feel bad about yourself. Someday, when you are older and smarter and figure it out a little better, it won't matter what any of these people said or did. You just need to hang in there, and things are going to get better, I promise.

If I could give a second piece of advice, it would be:

If you decide a good way to make extra money during the summers would be to mow lawns, and you borrow someone's mower and accidentally hit a sprinkler head, destroying both the mower and the sprinkler system, you should tell both parties involved that a squirrel darte d out and you swerved to save its life, and probably nobody will believe you but they won't be able to prove it so they won't be justified in charging you money or being too pissed off about it.

Top Reasons For Moving

2005-10-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

No TiVo; long commute requires taping of rare 'Simpsons' reruns
No privacy; Mom needs to do laundry in basement/my room.
Neighbors finally created password for wireless signal.
Bingo Night moved to Rec Center across town.
Sick of neighbor's naked early morning Taiji.
Installing eight lane highway through backyard.
Cat allergic to local fauna.
Boyfriend has had [wrong] idea that marriage is in the [near] future for past 5 years.
Concern that Publisher's Clearing House is unfamiliar with neighborhood.
Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding [increasingly loud rattling] vvvvvrrrrrRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOORRRRRRROOOOOMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding - gets annoying

You Know Who You Are

2005-10-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

The following was copied from someone's away message. Her identity has been protected and she now will be referred to as 'Aberdine'. I thought it might be humorous to complete the following survey from the point of view of varying individuals.

Fill in the Blank:
1.I _____ Aberdine.
OCD
2.Aberdine wants to be able to leave the house without combing each hair individually every morning.
Anxiety Disordered
2.Aberdine needs what everyone needs: anti-piracy software, antibacterial soap, and an anti-brainwave-reading helmet.
Gender Confused
4.Aberdine can be whatever (s)he wants to be without conforming to the constraints of social norms.
ADHD
5.One day Aberdine and I will ride bikes, write a screen play, and find a treasure, and eat some .
Eating Disordered
6.Aberdine thinks I'm morbidly obese until I am at a steady 83 pounds.
Co-Dependent
7.Without Aberdine I would have no one to mop up my vomit and call my boss in the morning to tell him I have food poisoning again.
Delusions of grandeur
8.Aberdine loves me, as do most Americans.
Sociopath
9. When I'm alone with Aberdine I will QUESTIONABLE CONTENT.
Dyslexic
10.Aberdine daydreams about learning if there is a Dog.
Dysthymia
11.If Aberdine moved I wouldn't be surprised - nobody likes me anyway.

Why Are We Intervening?

2005-10-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

Throwing away life and money on family, no time for booze.
Addiction to envelope glue has led to infected paper cut on your tongue.
Have been wearing same Uncle Jesse T-shirt since 3rd season of Full House.
All evidence points towards you being 'Down in the Dumps from Des Moines'; belief that Dear Abby has misadvised you.
Lawn ornaments aren't going to arrange themselves, you know.
Need to moderate internet usage; keep falling for Nigerian prince scams.
Taking infomercials too seriously; massive credit debt due to Lil' Miz' America figurines.
Scrimping and pinching should not involve drinking from neighbor's hose.
Has become apparent that you reject teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, and will not serve him in alternate galaxy for billions of years unless drastic changes come to light.
Seen every episode of Friends already, bored.

What Are You Watching?

2005-10-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

In light of being assigned real work, I am going to list off my favorite entertainment. Real writing once my NSF essays and real work are done.

New TV Episodes
Sunday Night - Simpsons
Monday Night - Arrested Development
Tuesday Night - Law and Order
Wednesday Night - America's Next Top Model

TV on DVD
Simpsons (seasons 3 and 4)
Coupling (whole thing)
Arrested Development (season 1 and 2)
Family Guy (season 1 and 2)

Movies
The Big Lebowski
Heartburn
Search for the Holy Grail
American President
The Birdcage

I'm Sorry

2005-09-26T11:26:00.001-07:00

Today, I thought about things I've done, things I'm not proud of. I am not going to admit to anything recent - you can either conclude that I haven't done wrong by anybody since I was 10, or that I am afraid that my reader(s) will recognize the situation.

Paul - Sorry for telling your best friend that you are ugly when he told me that you liked me.
Sarah - I am sorry for making it painfully obvious I didn't want to ride in the car with you on the girl scout camping trip. I was afraid of associating myself with you, and becoming ostracized. It was self preservation at its ugliest. I hope that you were able to cope with your parents' divorce and you are okay now. If you still cut your own hair, I hope that you got yourself a nice sharp pair and that you don't use school scissors.
Brandon - I am sorry for saying that you walk like a rooster, refusing to share my ample supply of candy, and calling you mean to your face. In my defense, you were.
Amelia - I am sorry for staring at your butt after Jason insinuated that you were fat by accusing you of causing the 1989 earthquake by jumping rope. That wasn't nice.
Steven - Sorry for trying to punch you in the stomach when you were blocking the door in a friendly, playful way. I didn't get it.
Nina - I am sorry for laughing when Marian sang "You know you make me wanna barf" to the tune of "Shout", when it was clearly about you. My sense of humor was poor at the time.
Armando - I am sorry I laughed in your face when you asked me to be your girlfriend. I didn't realize you were serious. I seriously believed that you despised me.
Marilyn - Sorry that I was cold to you for several months. I was threatened by your presence. I only had one friend and I didn't want you to turn her against me. You didn't.
Loren - Sorry for allowing the rumor to circulate that you eat your own boogers. A liar told it to me. You were nice to me, and I was mean. That was bullshit. I hope you are doing genius things like furthering technology or writing a Great American Novel. This is what I envision you doing these days.
Sheila - Sorry for getting us detention by passing you that weird note that was supposed to be from a boy, but was actually me playing a trick on you. Sorry that the teacher read it aloud in front of the class. Thanks for forgiving me. PS Where are you?

He Looks Plastic!!!

2005-09-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Would You Like Some Cheese...

2005-09-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Things I Choose to Complain About, Which Really Aren't Hurting Me And Will Do No Lasting Damage, But That I Find Mildly To Moderately Annoying And Therefore Will Advertise As Such

My officemate plays Live105 all day long and it drives me CRAZY
It can take my hair up to four hours to air dry.
The closest two grocery stores to my work are fancy pants expensive ones with$9 deli sandwiches and organic free range corn fed cheese.
The result of living with a dog? little bits of fluff from the insides of a stuffed animal in every crack, corner, and closet.
Whenever I have a personal call and take it outside on my cell phone, at least one express train momentarily deafens myself and whomever I am talking to.
Icebreakers Winterfresh Gum is chalky and loses what little flavor it does have far too quickly.
Incompetent Secretaries.
My cat has figured out how to turn on the radio to wake me up so I will play with her.
My desk is oriented so that it faces away from the doorway, such that anyone who does not enter loudly ends up suprising the hell out of me.
The NYT doesn't let me read all their articles for free anymore.

It's Not You, It's Me

2005-09-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

Along the lines of my previous post, worst break-up excuses.

When I envision our lives together, it makes me feel suffocated. I realize that I'm the one putting the plastic bag over my head, not you. But still, I think I need some space.
Look, if we aren't married when we're 45, let's get married... to lobsters. You know, sort of a f*** you to the institution of marriage.
I'm hella gay.
I'm not saying we should split. I'm just looking for a change of pace, taking a break from work, meet some new people, especially women people, and maybe move with one of them for a while. But that's not final or anything... it's just an idea.
I think that you're too smart for me. Look, I made a some graphs and two-way analyses. And this Dadaist painting. A playlist of post-British invasion rock. You see what I mean? Of course you do.
When you told me that you and your sister share everything... well, I got the wrong idea. I got confused. It could happen to anyone.
You've changed. You used to read books about flower arrangements, now you only read about the species. You used to look at me longingly, now you look at me lovingly. What happened to that red dress? It's at the cleaners. You see where this is going. You're not the woman I fell in love with - you've become unrecognizable to me.
I've found my calling. I want to study life forms in Antarctica. No, I didn't get this idea from March of the Penguins. I want to learn about life in negative zero environment, cut off from the world, without phone, internet, television, or human contact. I'll come back for you when I think you're ready for this too.
I have an addiction to press N seal envelopes. I'm going away, to a clinic, to get professional help. I'm going to beat this thing, I don't care how long it takes. Visiting hours are on alternating Wednesdays between 3 and 5 am. I'll see you.
I'm afraid of your penis.

Martian Advice For Crazies

2005-09-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Mars, I work for a law firm, and my job right now is to write reports summarizing the big cases that our firm has won and lost over the last ten years. My problem is that whenever I turn in a report, my boss tells me I'm doing it wrong -- BUT HIS ADVICE CONTRADICTS ITSELF ALL THE FRIKKIN TIME AND I'M GOING CRAZY For example, the first time, I started the report by stating the outcome of the case, and he told me that was inappropriate... that the outcome should come at the end. So next time, I put the outcome at the end. BUT THEN HE TOLD ME IT WAS INAPROPOROIATE AGIAN I even said to him, "Umm sir, I could be mistaken, but I thought you said last time that the outcome should always come at the end of the report." And he was like, "No, there's no way I said that. Please listen more carefully next time." WELL WHAT IF I THINK YOOU SHOULD LISTEN MORE CREFULLY YOU BLOWJOB I SHOUD BE THE BOOS AROUND HERE GODDMAMIT I'm sorry, it's affecting my concentration... I just don't know how to format my work, since I know whatever I do, he'll just tell me it's wrong. This has been happening all month, and I am considering bringing a bazooka to work to put an end to this awful freak show. MARS CAN YOU HELP ME??? Sincerely, Mad and Crazy

Dear MAC,
First of all, let's all remember to use the spell check. If your email implies that you should be The Boozer, not The Boss as I may have misinterpreted, allow me to advise you that violent alcoholic rages are rarely a lasting solution.
Secondly, I would like to remind you of my previous posting from June - it outlines a lot of pitfalls to avoid. Ensure you understand the scope and content of the project; ask around. "Is this a regular freak show we run here, or do we bring something special to this type of entertainment?" would be a good way to do this.
If you are provided the opportunity, make a lunch date with your boss. I'd advise you to be respectful but not too chummy - take responsibility and tell him "I apologize for my mistakes, Mister Blowjob." Repeat back what your boss advises, and write it down immediately for future reference.

Best of luck
Mars

PS Allow me to clarify one other point: Martians are not currently endorsing any brand of chewing gum, bazooka or otherwise. Offers can be mailed to the address below.

Questions? Problems? You thought this component had died? Email me your queries at em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo dot com, or leave one in the comments.

Commercial Combinations That Never Took Off

2005-09-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

Barbeques Galore/Sushi To Go
Hagen Daaz/Laundromat
Adult Bookstore/Baby Gym
Office Depot/Curves
Psychic/Dentist
Japanese Stationary Store/Japanese Stationary Bicycle Store
Vegan Restaurant/Hummer Dealership
Ikea/Shoe Repair
ENT Clinic/ Borders
Lady Foot Locker/Gentleman’s Club

Quote and Response

2005-09-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. - Martin Luther King Jr.
It may be true that a lynching cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from dating around, and I think that's pretty important.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.-Erica Jong
A stomachache is what we ask for when we already know we ate too much but wish we didn't.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.- James Branch Cabell
The presidential administration proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the minority voter fears this is true.

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard.-Daphne du Maurier
Arrested Development, Season One, Public Relations. Milford school anyone?

Education is what you get if you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.-Pete Seeger
Enlightenment is what you get if you take mind altering drugs. Freedom is what you get if you don't.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.-H G Wells
Halloween is a strumpet with a halo. Thank you, Mean Girls.

Assume a virtue, if you have it not.-William Shakespeare
Assume an identity, if you have it not, 'it' referring to FBI protection.

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.-Oscar Wilde
Weak comedy is to be avoided; it is often vulgar and rarely convincing.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.-Saint Augustine
O Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood [right now] - The Animals

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.-Lewis Carroll
Only if LSD doesn't count as a meal.

Just Do It

2005-09-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Sorority girls do it with their sisters
Thom Yorke does it to himself
Photographers do it in the dark
Houdini does it underwater, in a straightjacket, in a locked coffin
Psychologists do it on the couch
The Beatles do it in The Road
Archaeologists do it in the dirt
Everything Finn has ever done, he did for Gwyneth Paltrow
Divers do it completely shaved
Britney Spears does televised
Proctologists do it...

We Eat Spamalot

2005-09-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Some guy, as you can see in my previous entry, thought it would be awesome to spam my comments.
Vastly uncool.
So now you need to do a word verification so that you can comment.
Sorry for the extra step.

I'm Not Normally Political...

2005-09-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

But I would like to point one thing out.

Bush says he didn't think anybody "anticipated the breach of the levees. They did appreciate a serious storm but these levees got breached and as a result much of New Orleans is flooded and now we're having to deal with it and will."
Hmm, really?
Well, what we need is the National Guard. No problem... oh wait. Regardless, we are there for a good reason... oh damn.
Hey, it's not like I caused the hurricane.
Fuck.

Thanks to coryf8 and The Good Reverend in their infinite wisdom and insight

Archaeology Buzz

2005-08-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

This week, gentle reader(s), we will do a brief review of drinkin' before there was drivin'

About a year ago, a new study was published about the first taste of wine - probably inspired by drunk birds chompin on fermented berries, our Paleolithic ancestors might have drank old grape juice out of animal skins or wooden bowls.

U Penn professor McGovern expounds on the magical process of viniculture, and is currently scouring eastern Turkey for the origins of grape domestication (Tigris River, fertile crescent... ring any bells?) Using DNA analysis of wild grapes against modern cultivated grapes, they hope to pinpoint where the split occured, and what it might look like.

He is the author of Ancient Wine: The Search for the Origins of Viniculture (2003 Princeton University Press). The book is an account of the scientist's long career combining analytical chemistry and biochemistry with archaeology—he began studying purple dye but then moved towards stained wine vessels, pushing back the dates to at least 5,000 years ago.

If you want to know more - much, much more - this is an excellent resource for the history of wine (Good Rs, this is for you).

Moving on to beer, the Ancient Africans used beer for medicinal purposes (go National Geographic). Using osteological remains, George Armelagos of Emory University studies Nubians (Nubia being an ancient kingdom south of ancient Egypt along the Nile River) from A.D. 350 and 550. The bones, the researchers say, contain traces of the antibiotic tetracycline (not to be confused with orthotricycline, a modern birth control pill). Today tetracycline is used to treat ailments ranging from acne flare-ups (which birth control is reputed to control) to urinary-tract infections. This antibiotic only came into commercial use half a century ago. Apparently the Nubians were ahead of their time.

So it turns out that the beer they were making was the culprit. To get techinical:

The brew was made from grain contaminated with the bacteria streptomycedes, which produces tetracycline. The ancient Nubians, according to Armelagos, stored their grain in mud bins. A soil bacteria, streptomycedes is ubiquitous in arid climates like Sudan's. "We looked at how the grain was used then and came across a recipe for beer," Armelagos said. The Nubians would make dough with the grain, bake it briefly at a hot temperature, and then use it to make beer.

Ever seen this poster? Maybe this has ancient Nubian origins too - even more literally. Cure the acne plus inebriate the predator/pray relationship? Does it get get any better than this? Probably.

"We're not talking about Heineken or Bud Light. This was a thick gruel, sort of a sour cereal," [Armelagos] said. ...The Nubians would drink the gruel and probably allowed their children to eat what was left at the bottom of the vat.

That's right, traces were found in the bones of infants as young as 24 months. Yikes. At least they were cultured.

In another NG article, Michael Jackson (not the child molester although that would make an even more bizarre transition) details how Beer Brewing Paralleled the Rise of Civilization.

"There is a perfectly respectable academic theory that civilization began with beer," he noted. Some people contend that beer may have been the staple ofmankind's diet even before bread was invented.

During the Neolithic Revolution, hunters and gatherers began settling down and farming their land —the beginning of civilization. We can all point and gasp as the Fertile Crescent is once again indicated as the birthplace of such cultivation.

"The first thing they did with that grain," he added, "was make it into beer. We don't know whether they were trying to make beer, or just trying to find a wayto make grain edible."

Some people argue that beer lead to civilization (if f**king ugly people is civilized, that is...) Today, at least 971 different varieties of beer exist, including some wackos who enjoy making the original recipies of the ancient Sumarians and the Chinese. Thick gruel? I'll pass.

That's right, the Chinese were brewing beer 9000 years ago. "We called it a mixed beverage, because we're not sure where it fits in," McGovern of UPenn (again!) said... "It wasn't a beer, it wasn't a mead, and it wasn't a wine or a cider. It was somewhere between all of them, in this gray area," he said.

Sam Calagione, a Delaware brewer, used a recipe that included rice, honey, and grape and hawthorn fruits. He got the formula from archaeologists who derived it from the residues of pottery jars found in the late Stone Age village of Jiahu in northern China. Using what were understood to be ancient techniques (allowing the temperate climate to naturally ferment the juice and honey, using intense heat much like a pot put directly into the fire) he re-created this concoction. The residues are the earliest direct evidence of brewed beverages in ancient China.

In earlier research McGovern found evidence of a similar alcoholic beverage in a 2,700-year-old royal tomb in Turkey—perhaps that of King Midas. He then collaborated with Calagione to re-create the drink. The result was Midas Touch Golden Elixir, although the catchy television jingle was already taken by someone else.

In conclusion, you're not the first nor the last to spend all night puking. So revel in it - you're reenacting history.

Honey, Don't Flush

2005-08-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

You're In Town

Been Thinkin A Lot Today

2005-08-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how I don't really know a lot about music. I know a little about a lot of different kinds of music, mostly thanks to Sherrie Fultz (best damn tap teacher ever) and Mark Applebaum (RSR).

However, much like certain SCJs and pornography, I know a great song when I hear it. I thought about all the songs that really inspire me, and then itunes shuffles to some other song that pales in every aspect, that can't even be called anything but pop at best, that shouldn't be in the same category of real music (let alone the same folder on my computer) and it makes me sad.

How long have I been wasting my ~~life~~ ears listening to this garbage?

Maybe what I love most about music is what my dad said he loved about Rent. It wasn't the storyline so much¹ as it was the fact that the people were so alive. They were singing, dancing, acting and performing with every part of their being and it was clear that this was their life, and they were loving it. Another winning point (perhaps irrelevant) was that they all did one big bow instead of the bows according to size of role - which not only shortens the curtain calls but also impresses upon the audience that each role was considered equally pivotal to the plot. Perhaps you could argue this contributed to their happiness.

How often do you see someone filled with the utter joy of expression? I can't say that I even experience the sentiment too often myself. I can think of a few non-musical examples.

the guy on the 5:43 Caltrain announces every stop cheerfully. He's so jolly, he is the Santa Claus of Santa Clara county, I kid you not.
the peet in her creative mode. She gets this cool, purposeful look of concentration on her face - whether she is artfully mixing the blueberry muffins or xacto-ing a razor straight edge, it made me wish I didn't have two left thumbs... on my feet²
I have been known to get a playful (impish even³) gleam in my eye when a lead and I pull off a particularly exciting and complicated swing move for the first time.

To cut to the chase, when I hear a musician just going crazy - out of breath, passionate, in the moment with their music - I love it. And so do they.

Take a look at yourself and make a Change
Til I loved you baby baby oh baby
God please spare me more rejection

This episode was brought to us by Humor Lite - only 1 calorie

1. Bear in mind that my father was raised Catholic, and subsequently a little short on empathy for singing and dancing transvestites dying of AIDS.
2. Not really.
3. My at times quite mean high school boyfriend told me that I looked like an elf - I'll choose to believe it was one of his good moments.

This Is Not A Pipe

2005-07-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

I made this.

Rejected Album Titles

2005-07-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

That's Hella Gaye - Marvin Gaye
Mossy - Rolling Stones
It Takes A Goddamn Lot of These Motherf*ckers To Hold Us Back - N.W.A.
Elephart - Black Eyed Peas
Magical Mystery Rash - Beatles
Mildly to Moderately Blue - Miles Davis
Born to Scoot, Crawl, Stand, Walk, and Eventually at His Own Pace, Run - Bruce Springsteen
Weezer (Coral Album) - Weezer
Axis: Of Evil - The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Assistance! - Beatles
Xamine Your Zipper - Coldplay
The Runs - Radiohead
Oops!... I Can't... Stop... Using... Ellipses - Britney Spears
Poo - Green Day
Urethra - Aretha Franklin

I Like It Like That

2005-07-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

I Like My (Wo)Men Like I Like My Coffee

Black -young girl from Airplane
Hot and strong, with a spoon in them. -Eddie Izzard
Rich -Golddigger
Ground to a '5' -Yuppie Feminazi
In the morning. -Abs 3727
Sweet -Boring
Fragrant -Weirdo
Columbian -South American fetishist
Never -Celibate Mormon
Anally -SAE

Where Did I Go?

2005-07-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

Detriot, Chicago, and now Ashland.

Back to posting soon, I promise.

Working Stiffs Unite

2005-06-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

So if you're like me after my senior year, you haven't ever really worked a "real" job before. What the hell is going on? Can I check my email? What is acceptable and what will get me fired?

Here is a handy list based on my measly 6+ months of working in the "real world" that might be of use to all you c/o 2005.

When in doubt, go formal. Use 'Ms' and 'Mister,' wear a jacket, shake hands and nod often. At least for a couple of days til you get a gist of the subtleties of your work environment. Which leads to the next tip
Observe and Read Social Cues. Watch your co-workers. Who looks like they fit in, and who seems awkward or underdressed? Who is received well, and who is glossed over?
Big Picture: often when you start working, you are assigned small bits of different projects until you and the company are ready to start you on your own. It's easy to lose sight of what you're contributing to. Asking questions about why what you're doing is important and how it relates to the overall goals not only keeps you better informed, but shows you taking initiative and investing time in understanding.
Repeat Back Your Assignment More often than you'd think, a superior will walk into your office and ask you to complete something, or to make changes to something you've already created. Before you dive in, stop for a moment. By repeating back what you think they just asked it ensures that you didn't misunderstand their instructions.
Take Responsibility When you're new, it's not only possible but also very likely you will make mistakes. Sometimes it's a big deal, sometimes it isn't. Don't defend yourself: take responsibility, apologize, ask what to do in the future to avoid these problems. This is related to my next point
Take Notes When you are new, you can get literally dozens of useful facts every day. Sadly, most of them don't get absorbed because you are nervous, overwhelmed, confused, etc. Write it down - even if you don't use it right away you never know when you're going to use it.
Get A Calendar Usually your company will release a calendar every once in a while with important dates on it. USE IT. Keep track of when people will be away from the office, deadlines for projects, and other pertinent and time sensitive information. This can prevent walking into your boss' empty office or someone breathing down your neck about hurrying for the 5 pm Fed Ex drop off.
Don't Forget To Eat Breakfast and lunch have to fuel you until you get home. It is increasingly difficult to concentrate and execute quality work when you are distracted and weak. Don't eat Fritos out of the vending machine either - try to eat at least one healthy meal per day so you're getting the nutrients your brain needs to survive.
Go To Bed Days of napping between classes and sleeping in til noon are over. Boo hoo. Deal with it. Be smart and get your necessary hours of sleep so you don't crash at work.
Try To Be Yourself It's easy to feel like you need to put on a persona at work - you did it for your interviews, after all. When all is said and done, you can't spend 8 hours/day pretending (or maybe you can, but it's exhausting, in which case I suggest you really take #9 very seriously). In the end, they hired you - best to give them what they want.

*Thanks to g00dhunter

All The Regrets You Can Forget

2005-06-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

This beautiful weather and so-close-to-done-with-school taste in the air has been haunting me since Monday. When I step outside at 11:30 pm, the warm night greets me and the smells of summer vacation comes wafting. (Summer vacation, of course, smelling like fresh cut lawns and dry grass cooling and night blooming jasmine). Whenever I experience it, I have this ache in my heart, a sense of longing... but I don't even know to what I can attribute these pangs of nostalgia.

The most ridiculous part (or most interesting, to put a positive spin on it) is that I have come to realize I am remembering something that I don't think is real. Apparently I am not the first person to come across this idea.

Nostalgia for what we have lost is more bearable than nostalgia for what we have never had.... -Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Braff (again) also illustrates what we're talking about

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist.

I will misquote unspoken novel by Bank again

"What was so great about the past?" I demanded, preparing to cite women voting and civil rights as counter-examples to what my grandmother was going to say.
She thought for a moment.
"The lamplighter used to carry a little stool around with him," she said finally.
I patted her arm. I understood.

I think I am taking the last weeks of spring quarter of college of four years and mashing them up into a memory of something only wonderful. Here is what didn't make the cut:

anything high school or earlier
packing
moving
finals
sweating in unconditioned rooms
inedible dorm food
shitty, extraordinarily painful break ups
dread over lack of job freshman year
sophomore year mild depression
20 unit hell my junior year, including
-the hardest class I ever took
-40 page proposal for my honors thesis
dread over lack of job senior year

Here is what I do remember:

Giddy, head over heels brand new crush thinking of you every waking moment
Sunbathing
Waving my hands in the air like I just don't care
Getting accepted for archaeology digs
The relief of finishing
The prospect of a fresh new summer of experiences

At the end of junior year, my RA gave me her old couch. I had to be out of the building by noon, so I pushed it to the sidewalk. A tall and strong navy hopeful ex owed me a favor and was going to drive it across campus to where Bang would keep it over the summer and put it in her room for me. It must have been at least 90 degrees because I was wearing shorts, a tank top and flip flops, which are not really moving clothes. Bang and I sat on the couch, waiting for him to pull up in his Explorer Sport. It was too hot to talk, so we sat in the silence of an empty campus and thought. I had finished my work, I was off to Sicily for an amazing archaeological experience, I had a whole extra year to decide what to do with myself before graduation (the faintest glimmer in the far distance). We lounged on a broken-in loveseat in the shade of an emerald green sapling , without a care in the world other than moving a piece of furniture.

I think that's what I miss most.

How To Survive a First Date

2005-05-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Bang... reliable tips to keep a romantic encounter from getting too weird.

A good way to start the evening off right is to introduce your date to your parents. This way, you can count on your parents to quickly identify all your date's shortcomings, so you have a head start on getting to know each other.
See the movie first, then have dinner. That way at dinner you can talk about rotted-flesh zombies instead of trying to figure out what you have in common
Instead of a traditional date, do a fun interactive activity that you will both enjoy, like dumpster diving. Note: this is not the occasion to wear your gold spike heels
Smile, nod, throw in a couple of "yeahs" or "uh huhs."
If the conversation trails off, pretend that you are from E! and are interviewing your favorite musician about their life. Ask your date when the band is releasing their next album.
Impress your date with your prowess by flirting with everyone withing a 5 yard radius at all times
When the check comes, arm wrestle to determine who pays and who gets a free ride.
Remember: just because your date paid, doesn't mean you owe them anything (besides oral sex).
If your date tries to initiate contact before you're ready, scream "No means no!" Do not apologize.
When in doubt, ask yourself, what would L. Ron Hubbard do?

Oh God, What Have You Wrought Upon My Toilet?

2005-05-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

I usually don't post on the weekend, but the past 36 hours have been just bizarre enough to incite an inspiring true story, as titled above, in a made-for-TV Lifetime movie.

6:30 PM
I return from work as usual... eat some leftover hamburger helper, then apple slices dipped in chocolate whipped cream, watch a rerun of Friends, and leave to see The Peet perform in a wushu extravaganza.

7:15 PM
I greet Mr and Mrs Peet in the parking lot, and meet The Peet's main squeeze in a ridiculously long line. Sonejid meets up with us shortly thereafter - we get seats back center and prepare for an evening of the art of Wushu.

8:30 PM
How long is this thing???

9:25 PM
"Iron Crotch" did not perform any crotch stunts, but he
1 Painted a painting while standing on eggshells
2 Broke some chain wrapped around his chest while playing the flute
3 Bent a very sturdy looking piece of pipe in half

9:38 PM
Iron Crotch's son broke some concrete with his hand.

10:45 PM
The show is over, my head is aching. I congratulate the Peet, pick up my main squeeze, and head home.

11:48 PM
I feel queasy. I go pee, then go lie down.

11:52 PM
I still feel queasy. I throw up said meal. The kind of throwing up that makes tears run down your face.

12:06 PM
I feel cured and go to sleep. Main squeeze is very understanding and not completely grossed out.

9:30 AM
I awake. Shoot the breeze with main squeeze.

11:00 AM
I enter the shower

11:20 AM
I exit the shower, and notice that the toilet seems overly full. I decide to brave it and flush

11:21 AM
HUGE MISTAKE!!! Toilet water spewing everywhere and I'm naked! Help!

11:24 AM
I run into bedroom and throw clothes on. Main squeeze starts bailing toilet into bathtub. I start throwing towels, dirty jeans, old dorm T shirts down.

11:26 AM
I run up to the manager's apartment and tell them what's going on. They already know; they're about to go turn the water off.

11:31 AM
Water stops spewing - bathroom is 1 inch deep in water and carpet outside is soaked.

11:45 AM
First we use all the paper towels left in the house. Then we use most of the toilet paper. I find an old couch cover to use. That isn't enough, so I make a decision. I decide to sacrifice some brand new sheets that were still in their packaging. This seems to help. Soak soak soak.

12:20 PM
I am satisfied with the carpet not being completely soaking disgusting.

12:35 PM
I wash my hands with a ton of soap and water. I have nothing to wipe them on. I use my jeans.

12:45 PM
I make breakfast, but first I must wash the dishes so that I can dry them. I have nothing to wipe the pan dry with. I use toilet paper.

1:15 PM
I take main squeeze home.

1:40 PM
I pick up Maximus from boarder - Bang will be home later today, but not in time before the boarder closes.

2:15 PM
Carpet cleaning people show up. Start sucking water out of my carpet.

2:30 PM
I throw sopping towels, jeans, etc into washer.

3:00 PM
Carpet guy hauls out water vaccuum, is bringing deodorizing equipment.

3:10 PM
I want to put items into dryer. I am short 1 quarter.

3:12 PM
Carpet guy has quarter.

3:15
I sit down to blog. My headache is returning. Ai yah.

Martian Quest for Truth... and Babies

2005-05-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

Where do baby storks come from?

-Bemused in Boise

Gentle BB,

Your question is perfectly timed for this week's discussion. Recently, it has come to light that Nature may have suppressed this vital academic information from the public eye.

It is rumoured that Nature has rejected without review a study showing that
storks bring babies into the world. -Letters to the Editor, Solidarity...

If we continue to stifle such vital academic studies, what, pray tell, will we be able to tell our children? Wikipedia acknowledges that in Western culture the White Stork is a symbol of childbirth. Symbol? Perhaps they refer to the "Vlasic" brand mascot of a child-bearing stork.

Based on this information, I have drawn a series of conclusions

Storks bring our babies
They don't want you to know!
Despite the scientific community's rash outbursts against the pursuit of knowledge, Vlasic supplies our ignorant public with its propogandic "mascot" representing TRUTH
Science today is in direct conflict with a leading brand of pickles
As babies are born pure, they are inherently a font of truth. However, as biological beings they also are a fascinating aspect of science. Baby storks are the intersection of the Ven Diagram of Stork Truth and Science
To protect baby storks from being poked and prodded with scientific machinery, they are cleverly disguised.
As what, you might ask? Pickles

Where do baby storks come from? Ask Vlasic; they're the ones putting them into jars and distributing them nationwide. But at the very least this will stop your children cold from not only eating pickles but drinking the brine - stork urine.

Mars is available to advise you on your high ideals, personal problems, telecommuter troubles, burning questions and urethras. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo.com

Zack Braff's Advice

2005-05-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

From Mr. Garden Scrubs himself:

"Many of you have been asking me individual questions regarding your own lives. I can't possible reply to them all, so I just picked a sampling, and posted replies. You'll know who you are...

To Sarah: Seltzer should get that out.
To Amelia: Oh no he didn't!
To Gary: Try ointment.
To Bruce: Be careful, sometimes they nibble and it tickles, but I've seen them bite.
To Karen: They like partial sun and lot's of water
To Cecilia: As far as I know, there's no noogett in Skittles.
To Lester: Uncuff him and call the police.
To Tammy: If you wanna know where he's been grazing, just smell his hooves.
To Jermaine: Jermaine, just be the bigger man and apologize to Tito.

Wise, wise man.

Archaeology Monday

2005-05-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful reader(s)

Today we are investigating Egypt, land of 1000 mysteries (or is it land of 1000 pyramids? maybe lakes? I have no idea - probably not lakes though). This is the most interesting news I have found of Egyptian archaeology over the past year or so.

"King Tut's curse" excited the world after the discovery in 1922 of the ancient pharaoh's tomb in Egypt. Lord Carnarvon, a British sponsor of archaeology in Egypt, died shortly after attending the tomb's opening, inspiring speculation that supernatural forces were at work. Possible explanations: ancient, toxic pathogens from the sealed tomb; foodstuffs—meats, vegetables, and fruits (left with the dead to be brought to the afterlife), which may have attracted insects, molds, [bacteria], and those kinds of things; mold carried by the ancient mummies, including at least two potentially dangerous species—Aspergillus niger and Aspergillus flavus, which can cause allergic reactions ranging from congestion to bleeding in the lungs; respiratory-assaulting bacteria like Pseudomonas and Staphylococcus from the tomb walls; ammonia gas, formaldehyde, and hydrogen sulfide inside sealed sarcophagi; fungus that can cause the influenza-like respiratory disease histoplasmosis from bat droppings.
Conclusion? He was old, he didn't get sick after his first exposure to the tomb months earlier, and he was already chronically ill. At least he didn't live to see Tut all namby pambied up.

This article sums up what's been going on with Tut's head. With 3 independent modes of analysis, scientists were able to come up with a pretty good picture of what he must of looked like. Conclusion: not murdered, not bashed in head. Possible leg injury led to fatal infection. The link also provides that lovely picture - eyelashes, hair, and kohl were added later.

Here we have the unearthing of the first mummified lion ever found in an Egyptian tomb; the tomb of Tut's wet nurse, to be exact. Archaeologists knew of cemeteries for baboons, ibis, fish, cats, dogs, and crocodiles, they had never found lions buried.Lion bones have been found in the city of Abydos, but this one was particularly special. Perched on a rock and surrounded by other animal bones lay a virtually complete skeleton of a feline creature. The skeleton was in excellent condition, except that the skull had been partly crushed. The large size indicated it was a male, and researchers believe it was probably kept in captivity before dying of old age. Although no linen bandages were found, they believe the lion had been mummified.

That's Hella Gay

2005-05-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

So, in case you haven't been reading the news 3-4 hours per day, there is this article about how homosexual men's brains react differently to pheremones from women, men, and other gay men. Hmm, could this be just further evidence that this is biological, and perhaps is part of the normal spectrum of this grand old kingdom? I guess at least there was a lot of support rallied for those gay penguins. So why are we dragging our feet - what is so hard to understand? These guys are okay with it.

Dogs Bollocks

2005-05-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

Despite Maximus' many rabid-like antics, I have to say that dogs on the whole seem to be a pretty good species. Especially, in the sense that they can care for species other than their own. This guy says it is apparently possible to raise children on milk from a dog*.

How long have we been depending on dogs? Apparently the domestic dog we know and love today originated in Asia, and the first Americans (not you) brought their dogs across the Bering Strait.

And from that humble beginning, we get this.

If you're curious about the title, you must see this man in action.

*Although I find his line of rationale questionable at times, I admire his wholistic, multidisciplinary, Diamond-esque approach; one that I think that science should more actively embrace.

Goodbye Sydney

2005-05-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

You were a good kitty and everyone loved you. I'm sorry you got sick - I did the best I could for you. I'll miss you.

Martian Housewives

2005-05-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Mars,
Although I have no immediate career goals or romantic prospects, it is my life's dream to be a housewife. But in our modern society, I fear others will look down on me for it. Can you tell me my goal is a viable one?
Thanks,
Desperate to be a Housewife in Springfield, Kentucky

Dear DH,
Your troubles are not uncommon. In a changing economy, a dual income household is more and more becoming the standard; many women feel pressured to secure a career in addition to household responsibilities. However, as you do not have a family (yet!) it is time to do some soul searching.

You have a unique opportunity to discover what's really exciting to you. Regardless of how rewarding family life is, you will need personal time for yourself. Consider volunteering at the library, or taking an art class. Keeping up with your own interests while building a home is essential to maintaining an identity. A sense of self will give you a much needed dose of sanity when things get crazy! Plus, let us not forget transitive theory from ninth grade geometry

1. Know thy enemy
2. You are your own worst enemy
3. Know thyself
QED

Enough said - now dive in, and know yourself better!

Mars is available to advise you on your hopes, dreams, careers, fashion and optical inquiries. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo.com

Pop Quiz II

2005-05-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

Students! A second chance to revitalize your grades! Match the appropriate office sound with the phonetic spelling. Take your time - but I don't want to hear a peep out of you!

I have faith you will do better on this one

A/C downstairs
Copier
Delivery trucks across the street
Fax
Hole punch
Phone
Printer
Shredder
Train crossings
Happiness being sucked away

A bGIGIGIGIGIGIGGGGGtt
B bleedleelee, bleedleelee
C bruuuuuiiiiiiuuuuuuh phoooooooo, bruuuuuiiiiiiuuuuuuh phoooooooo
D bvvvvrrrr
E dee doo dee dooo, bleeeeeeeeeeeeeee, brr eee brr eee
F ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ding ding ding ding ding
G rurrrrrurrrrrrrrrrurrrrrrrrrr
H shhhhhh
I shrrrllllluuuurp
J skrreeee vooo, rubbrubbrubbrubbrubb

Truisms and Falsisms

2005-05-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

Top 5 things your grandma told you which are true versus Top 5 things the grocery checker told you which are not true

Never stop learning v. Never stop eating
Wisdom comes with age v. Cheez whiz ages well
These are the best years of your life v. These are the years of hell you'll romanticize later
You can't make someone change - they have to want to change v. I don't make change at my register
Haste makes waste v. Hurry, this deal ends today!

Top 5 ways that Grandma and the checker agree

The best things come along when you're least expecting it v. You saved 10% today!
Hard work brings its rewards v. You are just $30 away from earing your first free sandwich
Nothing is for free/Caveat emptor v. This shit ain't free but it comes with a free nail file
Don't count your chickens before they hatch v. We don't deliver after 6 pm
Treat others how you want to be treated v. I will be right with you

The Grades Are In...

2005-05-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

and I've posted them by the light switch:

Good Reverend: 95%
The Peet: 83%
Red Shoe: 72%
Kel Younger: 72%
Bang: 0... this 0 will stay a 0 until you make this up!!!

I cannot release the key, as Bang has yet to complete the quiz.

There is extra credit to those of you who are interested in upping your score. For a 5-10% boost to your quiz...

NAME MY KITTEN

A Whale With a Y for a Tail

2005-04-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

Walk like an egyptian - have you heard about the wholphin?

Martian Advice For Eggs

2005-04-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

Okay so it takes like seven minutes to boil an egg. But what happens if I leave it in there, boiling, for ten minutes? Fifteen? Three hours?I assume I get more eggs somehow.
-Hungry in Harrisburg

Gentle HH,

First have all, have we confronted this problem? Good

The answer to your question is yes, but it's not simple. What would happen if you just let it boil and boil?

In all likelihood, the egg would explode. Is this "more" eggs? It might look like more eggs, but it's probably just "more" boiling hot eggs splattered on your face than you would perfer under normal circumstances.
Regardless, you go to the hospital for second degree burns (not the first time your maxillofacial region has experienced this) and you are treated by a doctor on the verge of insanity. He mistakes the exploded egg for nuclear waste and panics.
The CDC, NIH, and NRA are notified.
We go into orange alert. Then red alert. People are totally wigging out.
GWB decides that good foreign policy to calm the people would be to create an enemy - an enemy well known but easier to locate. That's right - Pope Benedict XVI. He is blamed for the Catholic values that allow nuclear waste to propigate.
The Vatican is nuked. With no one to tell them up from down, Catholics worldwide start making decisions for themselves. These decisions involve having lots of sex.
Women start ovulating everywhere... ergo more eggs.

Seven minutes to a boiled egg - seven steps to more eggs. Coincidence? You tell me.

I hope this answers your questions.

Mars is available to advise you on your hopes, dreams, fears, niggling self doubt and culinary inquiries. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo.com

Pop Quiz!

2005-04-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

That's right. I don't want to hear any grumbling, I mean it. Close your books and place your notes under your chair. Calculators put away, Kel. No, Bang, you may not use a 3x5 index card for reference. If you need to use the sharpener... the Peet! Sleeves down!... do it now. Reverend, you may use the restroom after the quiz unless it's an emergency. Anyone else? Good.

Name: _______
Room #: _______

True or False

1. Safe sex is the sexiest sex.
2. Folgers is the best part of waking up.
3. A man's trash is sacred.

Multiple Choice

4. I was born
a. yesterday
b. on a pirate ship
c. under a rock
d. none of the above
e. all of the above

5. The symbol of our country (is)
a. a flag
b. cannot just be a flag
c. Michael Moore
d. b and c
e. a and c

6. We have nothing to fear except
a. fear itself
b. Pope Benedict XVI
c. bats! eeeeeeee!
d.Cats The Musical
e. reruns of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'

Eyes on your own quiz!

7. Please read the following carefully
I Der Präsident ist tot
II Sic transit gloria
III Ménage à trois
IV Dove la spiaggia
V Se llama 'bullshit'

a. I and II
b. I, II, and V
c. I, IV, and V
d. II, III, and V
e. II, IV, and V

Five minutes everbody... til the big hand is on the 4.

Short Answer
8. Describe difference between flammable and inflammmable.
9. Give who, what, when, where why for the following quote: "That is the rabbit."
10. Do you like me? (circle one) YES NO

Time's up. Please pass your quizzes forward.

La La Where Are You Going?

2005-04-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

To hide away like an ocean you can't see... get out, you don't belong here!
Where everybody knows my name.
Getting my kicks with the cats and chicks at the hop.
Cotton Eye Joe: where I did come from
In an octapus' garden, in the shade.
St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fair.
In the pines, in the pines
By the flowers in my hair, it should be obvious.
The Kentucky State fair, duh.
I go where I feel like, Gosh.

Martian Advice at Reader's Request

2005-04-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Mars,

Everyone has flaws; I know this. My friends are people whose flaws I am willing to ignore. However, sometimes I have a hard time evaluating these seemingly opposing forces. My friend has pushed herself right up to the edge. I used to truly enjoy her company, but it has gotten to the point where I am considering dropping her. Can you offer some guidelines for scoring to help me decide?
Friendship Accountant in Springfield, Florida

Greetings FA,

'Flaw' is a tricky word, as it suggests something is inherently wrong with this person. The person whose 'flaws' these are probably considers them imperfections that don't require much attention, or perhaps doesn't think of them at all. Regardless, friends have their flaws like anyone else. The question is, what kinds of flaws are they? I see 3 basic types of flaws in a relationship - minimal, restrictive, and conflictive.

Minimal flaws are bothersome to you, but do not ultimately affect the relationship. Examples include lack of table manners, poor taste in music or an annoying laugh.

Restrictive flaws limit the relationship, and are a bit more tricky. Stinginess, avoidance of new things and inability to talk about feelings, are examples of qualities that make your friendship a little more difficult. Flaws that hinder the kinds of activities or conversations that you engage in together can make it hard to spend enjoyable time together.

Conflictive flaws draw attention to your differences, in a way that makes one or both of you uncomfortable. Throw two people in a room together, and they are bound to disagree on some things. Whether you have different religions, separate values, or different ideals of what's important, these are often unresolvable differences.

Sometimes dealing with a flaw is as simple as taking precaution to avoid it, such as suggesting an alternative to the nightclub you hate, or steering the conversation away from dangerous topics such as the new pope. However, most often a friend has a combination of the above flaws - probably from more than one category.

In weighing your situation, consider the following questions. Are you often uncomfortable while you are with this person? Do you spend more time avoiding flaws than enjoying each other's company? Do you often feel angry or upset after spending time together? Think about how much you are compromising or sacrificing to be friends with this person, and consider that against the qualities that you find most valuable in her - her ability to listen, her sense of humor, her supportive nature. In the end, only you can decide what is the most costly or beneficial for you.

Yours, Mine and Ours

2005-04-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

You meet someone. You date for a while. You meet their friends. They meet yours. Everything is going great... until it isn't and you break up. Some end amicably, others less so. But when all is said and done, and you returned their stupid windbreaker that you never liked anyway, you want to hang out with your friends. But which friends are still your friends, and which ones aren't anymore? And are you going to have to share your friends with them?
Here's a quick and easy list - delineating allies.

Instant Messenger

strongnbutifl: whats happenin
1ofdaguys: brb
1ofdaguys is idle
strongnbutifl: if you're busy we can talk later
Autoresponse from 1ofdaguys: drinkin with the crew

Throw a party on the same night as your ex's birthday. See who comes to which one, and who comes to both.

Came:
Lou (best friend)
Sharon (coworker)
Dallas (neighbor)
Dennis (dependable)
Jen (left at 10:30)
Ben (left with Jen)
Aaron (came at 11:45)
Lynn (came with Aaron)

Didn't Come:
Austin (other neighbor - wtf?)
Susan (midterm)
Erin (not my friend)
Jack (not my friend)
Justin (not a favorite anyway)
Bella (ugly)
Patrick (probably stoned; forgot)

Ask a friend to pick up your stuff from the ex's. If they do it, see how long it takes, and what their attitude towards you is afterwards.

Call a friend up and say you want to talk . Blame all the relationship's problems on yourself. See if they agree.

Look At That Hot Baby

2005-04-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

Piney

Ay Ay Ay

mammoth

dino egg

So many babies this spring.

Write In

2005-04-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

In the interest of making this blog a little more regulated, I am going to try out an experiment. I want to start a column called 'Reader's Request'

Write in with

questions
complaints
advice needs
horoscope requests
resume drafts
or whatever else suits your fancy

I aim to respond as a weekly type of thing, a la Strong Bad. I'd like to make this a weekly thing. Email me: em oh dee ee ee em eh see eye eh ess at yahoo dot see oh em, or just post to this blog.

Either you are... or you are...

2005-04-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

hiding a single deuce behind your back... hiding this cake I made for Strong Sad.
in love with me for sentimental reasons... in love with me for hidden ulterior motives.
Alex Trebec... a big jerk off show off.
playing a sick joke on me... succumbing to my immeasurable charms.
keeping a sock filled with jello in your pocket... happy to see me.
a wise man... a fool [wiser than the wise man].
trying to tell me we have less than 9 months to find a crib... going back to Jenny Craig.
too full to eat another bite... taunting me with that Tender Crispy Bacon Cheddar Ranch thing.
finally serious about settling down and brought me flowers... horny as hell and thought I would be overpowered by their noxious perfumes.
Santa Claus... Hitler.

Tell The Terrace I Said Thanks

2005-04-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

I borrowed a book from The Peet recently, which she borrowed from said location, a book which title I choose to keep confidential as I am slightly embarassed to have read. However, I would like to quote the author, MB. One character is a cartoon artist. His standards of art: something beautiful and sad and funny and true.

This post doesn't really include any of these ideas.

I'm meditating on that.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2005-04-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

When I was in Italy, we went dessert wine tasting in Marsala - the almond flavor is very sweet. We also checked out the archaeology museum. I have been in this room and seen this Punic ship. Possibly from a naval battle in 241 BCE, remains of two warships were found in 1969-71, only 70 m from each other. You can read more about it under Marsala Punic Ships but if you're interested there are a quite a few underwater archaeology sites to choose from.

Even more (but not much more) closely related to my field is the discovery of the remains of the HMS Beagle. I don't know if they're going to find any 'ape to man' illustrations on board or even what they are looking for, but it would be good to take a look at the old girl. Probably not for Darwin though. He is described in Voyage of the HMS Beagle as being incredibly seasick, which accounts for all the time he spent on land collecting specimens. Also, he jumped onto turtles to see what they could do. Keep in mind he was a young man - he didn't write Origin of the Species until much later in life. Maybe that's why he kept jumping on turtles.

Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul II: Pearly Gate Small Talk

2005-04-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

PJPII: Havent I seen you somewhere before?
TS: CNN dot com?
...
TS: Isn't it strange how many people were trying to prevent my death...
PJPII: And how many people were looking forward to mine?
...
PJPII: As I always say, an excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie...
TS: Well, an excuse to lie dying sounds pretty terrible to me.
...
PJPII: Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it.
TS: I was brain dead for 20 years!
PJPII: Scuza
...
TS: Tom DeLay said my death happened because our legal system did not protect the people who need protection most
PJPII: That bleeding heart liberal! The vow of celibacy is a matter of keeping one's word to Christ and the Church.
TS: I think you're confused... he wasn't talking about condoms. I haven't gotten laid in forever.
PJPII: You have no idea.

A Stereotypical Blog

2005-04-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

Hello to all my [inside joke reference]

Last night I went to [person you don't know]'s and hung out with some cool peeps! Then I came back and ate some [long detailed food description] and it was soooooo yummy. I did some [boring task] and went to bed.

I have been wondering about [pseudonym for romantic interest]. Should I forgive him? Or should I answer his message? Still wondering.

Did you see the preview with [hot actor]? I can't wait til it comes out on DVD and I can freeze it on the bathtub scene!!! Rarrrr.

For all those readers out there, I changed the format of this blog [something hideous and difficult to read, like yellow on green]. Whaddaya think? (animated smiley)

I've decided to quit [bad thing] and start focusing more on [new thing, sounds weird]. I have realized that I need to stay in touch with my dream of [saving world/making money/becoming famous] and start doing [time absorbing goal one won't stick to].

Ooooookay, time for me to go sleeeeepy! Night y'all!

Famous Last Words, And the response, At Request

2005-04-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

"I don't feel good." Burbank, Luther (1926)
"You mean you don't feel well." Mrs. Burbank

"I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is used." Bouhours, Dominique
"I am about to - or I am going to - fly; either expression is used." Michael Jackson

"Friends applaud, the comedy is finished." - Beethoven
"Comedians applaud, 'Friends' is finished." - Jennifer Aniston

"It's been a long time since I've had champagne." Chekhov, Anton (1904)
"It's been a long time since I've had champions." Boston

"You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Crowley, Francis "Two Gun" (1931)
"Pot calling the kettle, if you ask me. That lady is a piece of work." -Sons of bitches

"I am mortally wounded, I think" Decatur, Stephen (1820)
"KO!" Player 2, Streetfighter

"My work is done, why wait?" Eastman, George (1932)
"Well, let's see, how much Paid Time Off have you earned?" HR Rep

"Codeine . . . bourbon." Tallulah Bankhead (1968)
"Last time we did that you woke up in Tiajuana" Conscience

"Now comes the mystery." -Henry Ward Beecher (1887)
"Did you want that one signed?" - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Ay Jesus." - Charles V (1380)
"Ay carumba!" - Chorizo the Bee

Top Ten Feel Good About Thyself

2005-03-25T11:11:00.000-08:00

In conjuction with previous post, here are 10 things you can say to yourself when you're feeling blue.

1. At least I'm not like that fat guy in the apartment across the way who can't get off the couch by himself anymore (if you are, keep adding qualifiers until this is true: eg, with black hair, who watches pro wrestling re-runs)

2. I am good at putting the right amount of ketchup on fries.

3. I am the only one of my friends who saw that guy fall down a flight of stairs into a garbage can, so I alone have license to tell that story.

4. I look great in this ... thing I am wearing.

5. It's not that people don't like me. People are intimidated by my social graces and fun, friendly nature.

6. I could do the Sunday New York Times Crossword if I felt like it. I just don't feel like it.

7. I am a great catch. Everyone else is too blind to see it because they want to date someone dumber/easier/fertiler.

8. I didn't want the job anyway, because their vending machine was full of Doritos and I am a Fritos man.

9. I know a lot about drinks from drinking, and a lot about personal problems from daytime TV. I would make a great bartender if the hours didn't conflict with my busy drinking and TV watching schedule.

10. I can easily think of 10 things that would make me feel better than this list just did.

How Much Is Too Much?

2005-03-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

I wrote this right before I went to sleep, and I have no clue what it was supposed to be about.

How Are We Coping With Disappointment?

2005-03-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

1. Meditating on prickly bear skin rug
2. Pursuing dream from age 7 - deep fried snickers bar kiosk
3. Distracting self with bleeding techniques
4. Improving flexibility, kicking own ass
5. Drowning sorrows in mayple syrup
6. Screaming, flailing, flinging
7. Befriending worm in tequila bottle
8. Beating up ocean waves, symbolizing fight against tides of time
9. Taking it out on telemarketers
10. Face reality through lens of muscle relaxants

The Facebook

2005-03-18T16:43:00.000-08:00

Once you have graduated, the facebook is really, for the most part, over. You leave a profile of who you thought you were around the age of 20 - where you live, things you like, pictures of you before you get old/fat/bald, dumb things other people have said that you thought were funny at the time and now make absolutely no goddamn sense. There is this skeleton of your college self floating around on the net... after a while you even forget it is there. Is it something to be preserved so that you can look back? Or is it a piece of trash lost in cyberspace?

Ten Awkward Ways To Come Out Of The Closet

2005-03-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

1. In a knock-knock joke
2. "I have this friend, it's not me, who is gay. How should I, I mean she, tell all her friends?"
3. Grab same sex friend at crowded party; kiss them
4. During toast at wedding
5. I wanna take you to a GAY bar GAY bar GAY BAR
6. Write it on napkin, put in mother's purse
7. Ask girlfriend's if brother is single
8. Right before end of Intermission
9. Watch Queer Eye, hope someone takes hint
10. In blog

Where Did I Go?

2005-03-17T09:44:00.001-08:00

1. Straight to hell, as suggested by officemate
2. Out for a cigarette. In 1997.
3. Subtitle of blog insinuates even I do not know
4. Proverbial quest for truth
5. Gilbert, AZ
6. On a jet plane, now I'm back again. Still got that wedding ring?
7. I've been walking after midnight
8. Blogger lost entries, I was angry
9. That's the actual reason
10. I've been here all along
11. Sorry about that preachy post

Women: Have Some F---ing Class

2005-03-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

After reading this garbage for the past couple of days, I am filled with an urge to track down these girls* and tell them a thing or two. Without further adieu, women of the world, here are 5 steps to having some F-ing class.

1. Don't dress like a prostitute. Sounds obvious, right? Don't wear a habit, but for the love of cheese, don't go naked. Wear a skimpy top with pants. Combine revealing and outrageous with modest and natural. You don't freeze, you don't boil.

2. Don't act like an idiot. Don't talk about money, don't be catty, act alive and interesting. Use your vocabulary, ask questions and listen to the answers. Have some damn personality.

3. Don't date assholes, and don't give them second chances. Someone who doesn't respect women sure is hell isn't going to respect you! You're worth more than that! If the asshole claims reformation, don't jump back in with them. The asshole has to earn a second chance, showing strong morals and manners and treating you how every woman deserves.

4. Don't overdo it. Drink moderately. Speak at a normal volume. That goes for your make-up too.

and finally, it comes to this

5. Don't give a beej on the first date. Ever. Ever.
You can say what you like about leaving him wanting more, but real the question is, would he do it for you? On the first date? Doubtful. Save it for when he's going to reciprocate.

* I have actually decided that this is not a blog at all but fiction. I would like to believe that no women would be quite this godawful... but I know they are out there.

Reasons We Aren't Getting Lucky Tonight

2005-03-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

1. Smell like cabbage
2. Have to be at altar by nine
3. Washing her hair
4. Husband in town again
5. They charge these days?
6. Charming pick up line == drink thrown in face
7. Not tonight, has headache
8. Filling in for injured rodeo clown
9. Powder blue tux still at cleaners
10.Jack

A Bit More Serious, Perhaps

2005-03-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

At what point are we responsible for ourselves as opposed to a product of the environment which our parents created? Yes, I have compassion for people who have had difficult lives. I am impressed and humbled by the various challenges people my age have encountered while they are/were so young. After a certain point, however, you are responsible for yourself. It's a crime and a shame that someone would be beaten as a child, but by his (universal his) early twenties he should be mature enough to start really facing these facts and handling them - seeking counseling, resolving issues of self worth, and taking charge of his mental health.

Physical health is something many people (although not enough, Fast Food Nation) take for granted. Mental health is often ignored. But what kind of productive society member can you be if you are metaphorically wounded?

Top Hobbies and Interests

2005-03-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

1. Skeet and Trap Club
2. Breathing
3. Skull N Bones, Equipment Manager
4. Member of Antique Gun Collector's Association
5. Home Maintenence
6. Quilting Society, Founding Member
7. Ohio Historical Society
8. Matchmaking (tinder, not romance)
9. Buick Club of America
10. Top 10 Lists

Where Were YOU Last Night?

2005-03-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

1. No Service/Roaming
2. The ER, having conscience surgically removed
3. County jail. Dad says hi
4. Choosing between whitening and tartar control
5. Where was I? I was at home
6. Noisy club, couldn't hear cell
7. Looking for you, GOSH
8. On Bridge, debating suicide
9. Garden of Good and Evil
10. Barstow

Top Ten Ways To Spice Up A House Party

2005-02-28T13:33:00.000-08:00

1. Get drunk, dance on a table with a lamp shade on your head, and break a vase
2. Hide in the coat closet. Every time someone opens the door, scream like a banshee and lunge at them.
3. Replace the keg with non-alcoholic beer*
4. Start a collection for a 'donation' to a vague and suspicious sounding cause
5. Insinuate that the host is a child molester
6. Find two people who are obviously came to the party together. Approach the partner of your choice, and start a lover's quarrel. Accuse them of playing stupid with you, and slap them. Hard.
7. Treat something filled with water (a pool, a fish tank) as if it were a toilet
8. Endear yourself to a guest by crying and telling self pitying stories for a couple hours
9. Shout a celebratory phrase (a la 'Merry Christmas') to get people in the spirit, even if it is the Fourth of July
10. Just be yourself

* This may have no affect on other's behavior

P.S. I Don't Love You Anymore

2005-02-20T13:09:00.001-08:00

In light of how my past couple of posts and comments have been going, the rest of February is dedicated to Top 10 Lists, to which I hope my readers (faithful and otherwise) will contribute.

Today's List?

Top 10 Worst Ways to Break Up With Someone
1. Instant messenger

QT3.14159: I don't know about us anymore
Stan4d4eva: What do you mean?
QT3.14159: I think we should break up
QT3.14159: Can we still be friends ;-)
QT3.14159: OMG, this is so sad :-( :-( :-(
QT3.14159: gtg
QT3.14159: ttyl
Stan4d4eva: Can't we talk about this?
AutoResponse from QT3.14159: I am away from my computer right now.

2. Over a cell phone

Jack: I don't think this will work out
Jill: What?
Jack: I don't think this will work out
Jill: The connection is bad, I'm inside the library
Jack: IT WON'T WORK OUT
Jill: We can go to the gym tomorrow
Jack: NO. I WANT TO BREAK UP
Jill: Hello.... Jack? Hello?

3. During a family reunion
Grandma: How are you doing, honey?
Bryce: I'm great, this is my girlfriend Anna.
Anna: Actually, we're not exclusive
Grandma: Beg your pardon, dear?
Anna: I've been seeing someone else.
Bryce: What do you ... excuse us, Grandma Janis.

More to follow...

NN V

2005-02-16T16:32:00.000-08:00

That which does not destroy you makes you stronger

is generally accepted to be true.

The following are not:

That which does not frighten you makes you braver.
That which does not confuse you makes you smarter.
That which does not harden you makes you softer.
That which does not blackmail you makes you richer.
That which does not soil you makes you cleaner.

Now, explain that one to your kids.

NN: Beware

2005-02-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

March 15 is the most commonly known dangerous date, a la, Beware the Ides of March. However, I've created a quick and easy calendar of the lesser known Ides, and how to manage their perils.

Belittle the Ides of January
Bewed the Ides of Feb.
Beware the Ides of March
Bestride the Ides of April
Berate the Ides of May
Befriend the Ides of June
Befuddle the Ides of July
Bedevil the Ides of August
Berate the Ides of September
Bedoctor the Ides of October
Betroth the Ides of Nov.
Bedazzle the Ides of December

Not A Tool

2005-02-15T09:34:00.001-08:00

Just a metapodial. Sorry to disappoint.

Life and Death

2005-02-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

The glass is full, the glass is broke
And every day dissolves and there's no hope
Of ever leaving this temporary life.
-Death Cab For Cutie

I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
-Melissa Etheridge

You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
When the earth folded on itself
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
-Modest Mouse

A Taste of Honey

2005-02-09T15:45:00.000-08:00

While waiting for inspiration to strike, check out the following

Aand fwankly Im wowwrwwied...
Frank?
I speak English and I love you
I think we've found something
Just wishin and hopin
Know your onions
Procrastination
Sophomore year
Take that, mapquest

NN: Life Lessons

2005-02-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing I've learned about marriage, it's that if you adopt a monkey you should make sure to use a cage with a slotted bottom so their feces fall between the bars and into some kind of waste trough. This will prevent a lot of trouble in the future, because if the monkey gets agitated it won't be able to throw its own poop, and you can avoid a lot of costly dry cleaning bills.

Excuses Excuses

2005-02-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

From: Marisa [mailto:marisa@university.edu]
Sent: Friday, February 04, 2005 4:07 PM
To: Professor XXXX [mailto:XX.XX@university.edu]
Subject: Original Piece

Dear Professor XXXX,

I will be unable to submit my 10 page original work by the 5pm deadline today. Due to extenuating circumstances, I am requesting an extension.

Approximately 5:00 pm on Tuesday night, I felt chills up and down my spine. I blacked out. The next thing I remember is my Residence Assistant looking into my eyes worriedly. I asked her what time it was, and she said it was 3:30 PM on Friday. You can imagine my surprise.

I apparently was possessed by the ghost of Ernest Hemingway. It is believed that he was inspired by the prompt, and used my earthly being to house him as a means to write again. When my neighbors discovered me eating Saltine crackers and muttering about the sea, at first they thought nothing. But as I began snarling at passers by on Thursday evening, they contacted my RA, who in turn, contacted a priest. After several grueling hours of exhorcism, they were able to compel the spirit from my body.

I turned on my computer to discover I had completed the assignment, but you can see my concern. Sumbitting the work of Ernest Hemingway would be nothing short of plagairism, and I would feel terrible about this.

Please let me know.

-Student

I Want To Tell You

2005-02-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

Being employed, in some ways, is a nice change because I finally get some thinking time to myself. In school, there's always more work or studying that should get done, instead of self-reflection. When I walk out of the office, I am done. All my thoughts are my own and I can focus on whatever I please.

I've gotten to thinking about lying. Everyone tells white lies (your hair looks... different?) but I am talking about bigger lies, hurtful lies, lies that shouldn't be told. Lies break trust. Lies change relationships. Lies kill (WMD anyone?)

Also, what about this concept of lying by omission? Technically, you aren't lying, per se, as you have not said anything that isn't true. However, let's not ignore that there is clearly some information you are withholding that the other person should know. You know you're obligated to tell them... but in their state of ignorance, you're safe and potentially better off. So you keep your mouth shut and pray they'll never know.

For the record, I am not a notorious liar. I have lied big lies before. However, more often than not I end up revealing the truth sooner or later, and rarely, it's because I am about to be caught. I almost always end up admitting my lies because I don't like being deceptive. Somehow, I developed a conscience (without religion, mind you!) and feel bad about these so-called "untruths."

So you decide to bite the bullet, tell the truth, handle the consequences. You look at the person, and you feel physically ill, because you're about to turn yourself in for the fraud you are. You tell them, and this sort of glaze passes over their eyes. There's not even a good reason. I wanted to benefit from the situation? I was selfish, and wanted to have my cake and eat it too? I thought you'd never need to know? These only make the lie more disgusting. At least admitting lies is freeing... sort of.

Maybe admitting lies is a sign of some sort of maturity... or not. However, as I've gotten older I have lied less and revealed sooner. I don't like the responsibility, the moral weight, and the memory required to maintain that lies require. I revealed one of my last remaining lies a couple weeks ago, and it's a relief, I'll tell you that.

Why do I keep telling them, is the real question. To a certain degree, it means that you are now more important. Whatsmore, that secret is yours. You've got a secret, and nobody else knows. When you tell a secret, it's over. You lose something.

Maybe maturity is like the tide - comes and goes, but over time there's definitely an impact. Take a Geology class if you don't believe me. Well, geology will focus more on the impact (think sea stacks) and less on maturity, unless we're talking about geologic age...

It's a weak connection. I'm working on it

Any Time At All

2005-01-23T17:21:00.000-08:00

As many of you may be aware, it is my greatest wish that I could have a video camera and voice recorder with me wherever I go, recording everything I see and hear.

Why, you ask?

Personal entertainment. Not blackmail, exactly, as I wouldn't wish bad things on (the majority of) people who I interact with regularly. I would just really enjoy recording quotes out of context, and creating a movie of all the ridiculous things I have heard over my lifetime. Here's an example.

Person A: Is there any other reason that not using a condom would be bad, aside from STDs and pregnancy?
Person B: Hmmm... (thinking) well, if you have a yeast infection, you can pass it on to your partner...
Person A: Eww... anything besides that?
Person B: Well then... No, nothing bad can come from not using a condom.

The bolded indicated a fantastic out of context quote just waiting to be recorded.

Here's another example

Person C: (attempts to kiss person D)
Person D: (laughing uncontrollably) Ha ha ha ha ha... I'm too silly to kiss you right now.
Person C: I am going to kiss you whether you're silly or not

And now, with dubbing

Person C: I am going to [fuck] you whether you [like it] or not.

The possibilities are limitless, really. In the meanwhile... I'll be writing it down, the old fashioned way.

Our Motto

2005-01-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

Professional Solutions LLC
We choose to reject to uphold lack of attention to detial.

Yes, detail is spelled incorrectly.

Nonsuperficial Notions

2005-01-13T17:17:00.000-08:00

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, but keep your grandmother closest of all, because she's the one they will go after first.

Deep Thoughts

2005-01-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

I intend to start posting Nonsuperficial Notions (as to avoid any copyright disputes with You Know Who), artificial company slogans, and other extremely short entries intermittenly between my longer musings.

All I Want For Festivus Is You

2004-12-26T22:31:00.000-08:00

The holidays traditionally are a time of gathering, of catching up with those close to you on the intimate details of their lives. Inevitably, someone will raise questions (and perhaps an eyebrow or two) about recent goings on in the romance department. Being subjected to questioning, along with a friend and the guy she's been dating dancing around the edges of commitment, has lead me to question just what is involved in a romantic relationship. My careful analysis leads me to conclude it is a delicate juxtaposition of the sacred trinity of dating: the physical, the emotional, and timing.

The physical seems pretty straightforward. We all get lonely, crazy hot ideas sometimes, especially if the dating scene has been (more than) a little dry and suddenly, the nearest person seems like a really hot prospect. Of course, the physical becomes meaningful (supposedly) if you have

The emotional. This means that, first off, you are emotionally mature enough, personally, for a relationship. Ideally, both of you have realistic expectations, you genuinely like yourselves, you are willing and able to thing about your feelings independently, and you have checked your (emotional) baggage at the gate. You also experience emotional closeness as a couple - you discuss both the good and the bad openly and honestly. You can share ideas and all that jazz discussed in a previous post (see 'emotional cheating').

"Some people want diamond rings, some just want ev-er-y-thing, but everything means nothing if I don't got..."

Good timing. You need to meet the person at the right point in your life. If you're still torn up about your ex, if you're about to leave for a 6 month expedition into the jungles of central Africa, or if you've decided that you need to get the wild and crazy single days out of your system, then you can have the emotional and the physical potential, but it's just not going to work out. You both need to be at the right point in your life if you ever going to mesh past your bleary hungover dusky kiss good bye in the morning.

My contention is that if you have these three elements, this is a strong foundation for commitment. "But Marisa," you say in your little I-told-you-so voice, "what about religion? What about shared experiences? what about common interests, as to continue construct further shared experiences? what about the next 'Big One' - where will you be?"

Well, I would like to remind you that as a non-practicing... nothing, I tend to neglect religion as a factor in my love life. Maybe that's not fair or accurate, but that's how we roll here on Park Blvd. That's right, the roughest hood in the town.

And the earthquakes... we'll be ready.

I'll be ready.

I have a bottle of water in the car.

I Don't Want To Spoil The Party

2004-12-14T01:28:00.000-08:00

Holiday party at work
Drunk dialing my ex
Waking up afraid of darkness
Waking up too hot
Awkward breakfast
Flight cancelled
Sitting in Burbank
Stand by to SFO
Shuttle from hell
Lounging around ass tired

What a weekend...

sorry, nothing contemplative. Stay tuned

Everybody's Trying To Be My Baby

2004-12-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

I went out to the BBC with a girly gang last night (a girly gang, not my girly gang, as I feel uncomfortable claiming ownership), which stands for the British Banker's Club. Firstly, it's a bar, not a club, and certainly not exclusive to bankers from the UK. I don't know who they think they are fooling. Secondly, despite not being a club to even the slightest degree, the bouncers think they are hot shit. They are shaking hands and schmoozing and hugging as if this place or these people coming into this place are cool. Let's clarify - this is the only bar with a DJ in Menlo Park. Cool is relative, people.

This did not restrain the bouncers from getting all high and mighty. They refused to accept my roomie's ID as real (which it is, by the way) and act rude and dismissive to the rest of us who are ALSO 21+. Eventually she called the Palo Alto police to verify her ID. The police show up and say, you know that we have to arrest you if this is fake. She responds, okay. Now at this point, it should become obvious that the ID isn't fake. Who with one iota of sense would call the police to verify a fake ID? Long story short, they decided that the ID was, in fact, real (duh) and he lets her in, free cover and a free drink. Thanks for being an asshole, how does your pride feel sliding down your esophagus?

Once we arrived inside, we had our drinks and started dancing. First a youngish man approaches our group and asks a question. I am unable to hear him, but the rest of the girls kind of ignore him and look uncomfortable. I ask him what he said, and he said he was wondering if we were from Stanford. After 2 minutes of chatting, it becomes clear that Stanford is the only connection we have, and he takes off.

Then, I am gettin down, minding my own business, when someone comes up and scare the hell out of me. Not intentionally, I don't think. We start chatting; we're both from "Berkeley" and everything I say or do, he responds "you're so cute!!" He cuts hair and wants to go outside to smoke.
Once outside he admits that he doesn't have any cigarettes, so he has to bum one off an old black man. He introduces me to his friends. He asks me to see my hand. I hold it out. "You're so cute!" Then he disappears. His friend compliments my shoes, and then starts hitting on me. Gay... or not gay? I return to the dance floor and begin dancing with my friends. A large hispanic man grabs my arm in an attempt to get me to dance with him. "I'm engaged," I tell him, hoping to get myself out of the situation. "Even better!" he replies. I smiled and shrugged apologetically. I decide to leave not long afterwards.

In conclusion... what the fuck?

I'm Looking Through You

2004-11-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have found myself contemplating what makes someone a bad person. I have been thinking about how this more specifically applies to cheaters. Can a person do bad things but be good? Can a person do good things but be bad? Before you go dig out your copy of Arthur Miller's The Crucible, read on.
A cheater is a quintessential bad person. A cheater makes a promise to one person, and breaks it by doing something physical with another.
So, you cheat on your girlfriend and have sex with someone else. What if you still idolize her as your number one, your most important person? It doesn't mean you like her any less, or that you aren't attracted to her anymore, or that you don't still think she's wonderful... you just felt like shagging someone different for a change. This is BAD. You cheated. You broke the rule, you pay the price of being labeled "bad."
Yes. I agree that if you simultaneously violate a promise and put your loved one at risk, this is bad. But while an agreement to be exclusive explicitly means "no sex with other people", there is (almost) never a "no greater emotional closeness to anyone else than me" clause. But what about emotional cheating? You can share your wishes, accomplishments, and failures... essentially all the details of your life with someone who isn't your boyfriend, and you're in the clear. You can be emotionally closer to a number of people than your chosen one, and nobody is going to come around saying "Look at that bad person... sharing hopes and disappointments with people all over town! Shame on her! Shame..."
This is not defined as cheating. Our culture does not identify the emotional aspect of a relationship as equally important as the phyiscal. Can fidelity even be defined in abstract terms?
What is more disturbing to you - that your significant other slept with someone else, or that your other confides her deepest secrets in another?

All My Loving

2004-11-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

As many people do when faced with their mortality (I hit the big 22 a couple weeks ago folks, Im not gettting any younger), I have been doing some thinking. What do I think, what do I know, and what do I think I know?
Everyone steps into the social sphere with different expectations. Every time you walk out the door, you have hopes, dreams, fears, and ideals of what will happen. You will be the most popular kid on your block. You will not get shut in a locker during gym. You will be able to find a better date to the prom than your cousin. You have more page numbers after your name in the yearbook than any other senior. Your freshman year roommate will be your best friend for life. You will hook up tonight. When you fall in love this time, it will be forever.
Things proceed, expectations are met and violated. Maybe your roommate spends 6-8 hours on the phone every day. Maybe you go to prom single. Maybe you will get ass tonight, but you will regret it tomorrow.
Woody Allen says (I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember his exact words) that you shouldn't expect too much out of life. If you aim for a 10 and you get a 6, you will always be disappointed. If you aim for a 4, then you're pleasantly surprised. However, you might argue that low expectations are always met. Does that mean if you aim for a 4, what would have been a 6 becomes a 4? Is this how to live life?
People always say, think positive. Ellen Degeneres said (paraphrasing again) that she believes in daily affirmations -we make them all the time. "I will get out of bed today" you say in the morning. "I will pass the BAR exam" you mutter on your way to the testing center. "No copper is ever gonna catch me" you hiss as you pull on your ski mask. You're pumping yourself up and telling yourself you can succeed.
Well, my motto is think realistic. My idea of true love is that one day, I will turn to him and say: "I hate the way you make spaghetti. Your eyebrows are crooked. You never remember to return your library books, you like Yanni (gag), and you couldn't find your ass with a map and a flashlight. Given all of these things, I'd still rather be with you than not. I would spend my life eating crappy spaghetti, listening to that godawful noise, and hopelessly lost if it meant I would be with you." It may not be the most traditionally romantic idea, but if you can accept all of the person's faults and still like them, you're in a better situation than most.
In the end, you're the one who has to live with your dreams, hopes, triumphs and losses. Maybe you'll aim for a 10 and get at a 10 (you and your roommate remain best friends for 50 years), maybe you'll pump yourself up for a 3 and get a 9 (you are sure no one will come to your play and the whole gang shows up), maybe you'll try for an 8 and get a 7 (you marry a great guy just as he begins to bald). How you want to take them is up to you - I just hope that you can enjoy the ride. Life is too short not to laugh at the absurdity.

I Saw Her Standing There

2004-10-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

Aaaaand, here I am again.

It seems to me that people come online to write sort of an amalgam of observations of the world they live in - eg college. A lot of it focuses on the same issues: dating, parents, work... dating. I am not too proud to fall into that category. So, in case you haven't read enough Xangas on dating, here's another one.

SO MAYBE you're walking along, minding your own business, and across the lawn you see the most beautiful creature of the sex you are currently attracted to, also walking along and minding their own business. You come up with elaborate plots oh how to actually meet them that you never execute; you write them sonnets in your bedroom when you are up late tormented by their exquisite wo/manliness; you make cute little sighs to yourself whenever you catch a glimpse of them. You loathe yourself for being too chicken shit to walk up and say hi, yet you do not change your behavior. Then one day, as you are checking them out you lose control of your bicycle and hit them (albeit not very hard). You apologize profusely. You look into each other's eyes... and you just know it's meant to be. If you identify with this story, you are not my intended audience. Go frolic in the fields of happiness. Bring your allegra.

HOW ABOUT you live next door to this great person, and you became friends on the third day when s/he had an extension cord you could borrow. You have the same taste in movies/music/food/television. You talk to each other 500 times a day about nothing and still have everything to talk about. You have the same computer, or you both ran track in high school. Suddenly, it occurs to you one day that you are very attracted to this person, but you have painted yourself into a corner, so to speak. Every day that goes by you are less likely to be seen as a sexy and desirable individual and more certainly seen as a friend, the last 6 letter four letter word. In an awkward attempt to draw attention to this situation, you joke about dating and sometimes make vague hints about how close you have become and you can tell them anything. This is bullshit. You would have admitted that you think they are hot stuff if you really could tell them anything. But you don't want to jeopardize your take-out-and-elimidate-watching marathons that you have grown to love. You have an internal battle every time you speak to them instead of enjoying yourself like you used to. But finally one day, as you're betting on the blonde or brunette and checking your chow mein breath, the person sort of casually takes your hand. You subtly gawk at your hand in theirs, trying to figure out if this is actually happening, and when you decide that in fact it is real, you are higher than that time you tried those Brazilian jungle mushrooms. This is also not for you.

WHAT ABOUT IF you're at a party, and it isn't even a particularly good one, but the booze is free and you've imbibed a little more than you really should have. You're rightly drunk and feeling fine, and you just love everyone to pieces. Then you spot him/her. It's a friend of a friend, someone from class a year ago, or the person who works the shift after you, or your cousin's roommate... the kind of person where you see them every once in a while, you kind of know them but not very well, you've always thought they were attractive but it never quite seemed like the appropriate context to express it. But you're drunk and the party isn't that great and suddenly you are SO HAPPY to see them. You begin talking to them animatedly, and they seem pretty happy to see you. You're dancing and kissing in this sweaty hell hole, you don't know what time it is and you don't care... the only way this could be better is if you weren't quite so drunk and desensitized. This is what I am talking about.

Firstly, this is about the familiar. They are close enough to you that they aren't total strangers, yet they might as well be. A friend of a friend isn't YOUR friend. Unless you have a mutual contact who relates stories between you two constantly (which begs the question, is your friend a gossip fiend?) you probably don't know that much about them. However, you do know them that much more than any other given person at the party who you have never seen before. You know their name. You know maybe one or two things about them: who they used to go out with, how much they're making, where they live. You also know your chances of getting rejected are lower - if your flirting attempts fail, you can always disguise them as a friendly hello to an aquaintance and then hitail it out of there with minimal ego damage.

Secondly, alcohol, everyone's favorite social lubricant, is in action. You aren't feeling too self conscious right now - you're happy and friendly. Chances are, so is the other person. So, with the modern miracle of fermentation, you both are in a position to be a little more open to getting to know someone a bit better.

Finally, you're at a party. You're supposed to be a little drunk, you're supposed to say hello to people you haven't seen in a while, and you're supposed to get your freak on the dance floor. In fact, in your drunken state, it seems a crime not to do all of these things.

So we've set the stage for a random encounter. But what happens after this?

Your friend grills you for details and starts wildly plotting your wedding as you are wondering if the other person is feeling the exact same way - confused, pressured, and hungover.
You pass them on the way to class two weeks later and you give each other a sort of mumbled 'hey' type nod as you go on your self-conscious way.
You stay at work extra late but when someone finally comes in to take over the shift, it's a sub with the annoying voice.
You tell your cousin to start visiting you more often.

Or maybe you managed to drunkenly exchange phone numbers before you parted ways. Sure, their name has an "h" instead of an "i" in it and you're not even sure if the number is right (the buttons get so much smaller and harder to press when you're drunk) but you have their number and now the power to contact them is in your hands. Do you do it, or do you wait for one of the above scenarios to happen?

The choice is yours.

Here Comes The Sun

2004-08-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

And I'm back for my monthly entry!

Sicily was a blast, I got to meet some really awesome people from all over (CA, Michigan, Penn, Canada, Amsterdam), and we got to hang out over the course of five weeks.

The first weekened was a working weekend, but that didn't stop us from partying Friday night. We saw world reknowned Spin Long, an Italian band that plays American classic rock. Due to my granita (shaved flavored lemon ice) con vodka, which ended up being more like vodka con granita, I was wasted and somehow convinced to dance to "Sweet Home Alabama" - which, you have to admit, isn't even a dancable song. It's also 5 or 6 minutes long, which may not sound that long, but is a long ass time when you are one of two Americans dancing and all the Italians are staring at you. Aside from that mess, we hit up Casteldellamare on Sunday - Sicily's ugliest beach (according to Lonely Planet) but a beach nonetheless, with sand and sun and far too many speedoes. Let's move on to the first REAL weekend.

First weeked: We have a goodbye party for the American Academy of Rome students, where we proceed to get ourselves smashed on the roof on a Thursday night in time to be hungover on Friday. Good planning, team!! Then, Saturday shopping in Palermo, Sicily's capital. Highlight: accidentally driving into a market, watching my driver trying to unwedge her Alfa Romeo from between a garbage dump, a Fiat, and some crates of fruit, then a random street person getting into the car and backing it out for her. Due to siesta, we ate a 3 hour lunch including pizza, french fries, gelato, coke, and subsequently each had a coronary. Sunday we went to Selinunte, which was very windy, but well known for its Greek colony. Highlight of that day was some random Italian guy doing push ups and kissing the sand when he touched the ground. Impressive. Now I want to have your babies. I wasn't sure before, but the sand kissing really sealed the deal. Bravo.

Second weekend: Pig Party! We had to get an entire pig butchered to keep the bones for the reference collection, so we had a party celebrating a pig feast: sausage, ham, prociutto, and any other kind of product you could imagine. We all got finely wasted, some of us losing part of our shoe on the stairs, others vomiting into some thistles behind a shed. Saturday, we drove three hours to Piazza Armerina, in central Sicily. We saw the mosaics, including the first evidence in the world of bikinis in a depiction of a "Women's Gym Room." What woman would exercise in a bikini, I do not know. They were also holding some kind of fan or flowers; I doubt burning calories was their main objective. Casteldellamare again on Sunday, highlighted by some Italian guys quizzing us on where we were from ("America? America, California, si si") then proceeding to mock us ("oh my god! oh my god!!") with what I think was supposed to be a valley girl accent.

Third weekend: Lisa's bachelorette party! We put fake roses in her hair and got her toasted at Salemi's finest bars. Evidence of a good time: way too many embarassing stories revealed to the party's nondrinking attendees, and also photos of Lisa kissing not one but two different cops (Carabinieri) in the second bar we visited. She claims to have no recollection. Saturday: Mazaro Del Vallo, a local Palermo but crappier. We could not find any food for about an hour: all the bars had one sandwich and one crossaint, but there were four of us so that didn't really work. Finally we found a nice beachfront cafe, but no pizza (not til 8pm, apparently). So patate fritte (french fries) and insalate mista - mixed salad: lettuce, three tomato slices, and maybe a couple pieces of onion if you're lucky. Don't order insalate verde: green salad which is just lettuce. Blah. Scopello on Sunday, where Abby stepped on a fish hook, and then we were ousted from our beach side chairs by the rental company. Ouch. Then I had a really delicious seafood appetizer for lunch, including but not limited to what I think were squid tentacles. All sarcasm aside, they were really tasty, if not a bit weird looking.

Fourth weekend: FAVIGNANA, my reason for returning to Sicily. As there were no mopeds left to be rented (dammit!) so we rented bicycles instead, which turned out to be equally fun. After some wrong turns, we would up at Bue Marino: the most gorgeous cliffs and beach I have ever seen. We swam and shrugged our cares into the turquoise waters. It was all I wanted to do, and as a result I am very brown from direct sunlight for about 6 hours. Most fabulous time. Sunday, however, was maybe not as awesome. It was Saint's Day, which meant EVERYTHING was closed. EVERYTHING. On top of which, the house was trying to exhaust its supplies, so there was no food to be had inside either. Breakfast: french toast. Dinner: fried bread. See a pattern? I ended up staying up late to wait for the cars who crossed the entire island to ask them what they had done that weekend. Stayed up late drinking, slightly hungover Monday morning. Awesome.

Monday night: totally awesome. My last night, but not that of everyone else. We went out to the bar to celebrate (a good friend of mine was leaving the next day as well) and, well, I got toasted. When I got back, someone had brought back this liquor from Mt Etna (a volcano) which was 140 proof and supposedly cinnamon flavored. It turned out to be cherry flavored and I implored the guy who gave it to me for the next 20 minutes why he wanted me to drink cough syrup, because it sure tasted like it. Fake cherry and burned on the way down. I was drunk all night, managed to lose my nose stud (dammit), and left promptly at 5 am. 23 hours later, I arrived at my house exhausted, watched some Olympics, and went to bed. Phew.

So that was Sicily in a nutshell. Of course there was more: these are the HIGHLIGHTS. Still interested? Hope so.

In conclusion, living in too close quarters with too many people for five weeks taught me a lot about patience, when to speak up and let it go, and where I fall on that spectrum.
Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

You Can't Do That

2004-07-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

Commitment is a funny word, because you use it to express dedication. You also use it when someone is sent to a mental institution.

But maybe that's not so unusual. Commitment means that you're excluding a bunch of choices. If you marry Bob, you can't marry Steve. If you're a writer, you can't be an astronaut. That's why commitment is so scary.

But commitment gives you the ability to explore the choice you've made to the fullest degree. I guess that's what makes it worth it.